How my son’s near drowning at a Pool made me forever thankful for his life

Today is Memorial Day. For our family it marks 4 years since my son Ryder’s near drowning accident.  I enter this day with humble reverence.  I don’t miss for a moment how lucky we are that we tell this version of the story.  To be honest there is no holiday spirit in me, there is a nagging need for reflection and deep thanks, a desire to honor that day and its events, praise my son for how strong and brave he was and make sure everyone I know stays SAFE in the pool.

This experience I want to tell you about is by far the scariest day of my life as a Mom.  I think we do so much as parents to bring our children into this life and love and care for them in every moment, the last thing that any of us want to do is face the thought of losing them.  This day however, was the day in my life that I experienced first hand the thought of losing my son and how thin the veil between life and death is. The memory of this event will always remind me that it is way too easy to take for granted our children’s lives.

Leading up to the accident

My kids and I were attending a crowded busy Memorial Day pool party at our swim club. Both my kids, my daughter age 8 at the time and my son age 7, were strong, confident swimmers and had spent an average of 3 days a week swimming at this pool since they could remember. This pool was familiar and a second home to them.

It was the end of a busy 4 day weekend. It was also the first weekend of the year that the lifeguards were on duty so my kids were besides themself with excitement that the diving board in the deep end of the pool (12 feet deep) was going to be open.

Even though it was a long holiday weekend and weather that begged for swimming I had intentionally stayed away from the club all weekend. I had even intentionally gone late in the afternoon to the pool party to avoid the crowds.  It was just after 5:30pm on Memorial Day.  I had just glanced at my watch and was thinking about packing up and heading home soon.  My kids and I had been at the pool nearing 2 hours and that was about as long as we usually stayed. The entire time my kids had been having so much fun playing with each other and playing with friends from school.  They had been going off the diving board again and again, smiling from ear to ear, waving to me from the long diving board line and having a complete blast.

When the whistle sounded

The next thing I knew the Lifeguard was frantically blowing her whistle and clearing the pool.  I looked over to where she was and I instantly saw my son’s swim trunks on the side of the pool. He was lying down. ‘Why is my son lying down‘ was my first thought.

To this day I can’t quite put into words what it felt like to see my son lying limp, face down on the pool deck. And trust me that scene is burned clearly into my memory. I heard my breathe catch and my voice whisper ‘that’s Ryder‘ and in a moment I was standing over my son.  The lifeguard was busy clearing all the kids and parents out of the pool and away from Ryder but she recognized me and allowed me to come close to him.

He has a pulse!” she said.

I had no idea how serious the accident was so those words didn’t mean anything to me until later.

As she said that, the Lifeguard lifted Ryder’s arm up and rolled him onto his back.  I watched as my eyes fixated on Ryder to see his open eyes roll to the back of his head.  Terrified,  I dropped instantly to the ground. Something greater in me held this moment together. I experienced that surreal feeling of witnessing and participating in the events but my emotions were in a frozen trans state.  Somehow,… I remained calm and 100% focused on Ryder.  Somehow,… I knew exactly what to do. Instinctively, I heard a voice inside me say ‘call to him’.  I laid down next to Ryder on the pool deck, holding his small hand in mine and just started calling his name.

“Ryder”

“Ryder, Mom is here”

“Ryder, come back to me”

“Ryder, you are safe”

“Ryder, come back”

There was a confidence, a calmness, and strength in my voice that was above my fear in the situation.

Ryder remained unconscious as the lifeguard had now propped him up to lay on his side. I continued holding onto his hand, calling to him and staring into his now closed eyes. I didn’t think for a moment, “What if he doesn’t come back?!”  My baby.  My son.  I just stayed in the belief that he belonged here and my job was to tell his soul that.

Then there was the miracle moment jolt.

What seamed like an eternity but someone told me later was more like 2-5 minutes, I felt a jolt, a miracle moment jolt… Ryder’s chest heaved a breath so big he started coughing. His eyes popped opened. Our eyes locked immediately. It was like the same moment when he was born and the doctor laid him on my stomach and his eyes popped open to meet me.  In that precious life moment, I found myself saying the same words as I did at his birth:

“You are here”

“Thank God! YOU are here”

Ryder continued to gasp and uncomfortably cough blood.  His eyes closed to rest as I could tell he didn’t have much strength.  “My throat hurts” he complained as he tried to touch his throat. I was being handed small white towels to continue to wipe his face and hands of the blood he was coughing up.  The blood didn’t even phase me, all I cared about was that this beautiful brave boy of mine was conscious and alive. “You are going to be okay,” I said again and again, as if willing it to happen. “You are going to be okay, you are going to be okay” my voice kept assuring both him and me.  I continued to talk to him and keep him calm as the paramedics arrived.

I stood when the paramedics raised Ryder’s stretcher. The only strength in my legs to stand was the powerful knowing that Ryder was at least conscious. Fatal drownings take 3-4 minutes. Ryder was at the bottom of the pool for 1-2 minutes. As a Mom who loves deeply, if I even think of this longer than a moment I am tearfully undone.

Friends were everywhere offering help. It was quite a blur. Somehow I was able to get a dress over my bathing suit and friends promised to take care of Carleigh, Ryder’s Big Sis, who had bravely watched the whole thing. I gave her a loving and relieved squeeze, ” I love you sweetheart, your brother is going to be okay”.  Feeling with every breath, heart beat and cell in my body that when it comes down to life and death moments your loved ones really are the only ones you can think about.

Once in the ambulance the magnitude of what had just transpired started sinking in.

I was texting Ryder’s Dad to tell him what had happened. I praised God for Ryder’s consciousness and asked Erik to lift him up in prayer as we headed to the hospital to make sure he was alright. We had no idea what injury Ryder had experienced in the accident. All we knew was he was conscious and breathing.

Breath !! My friends, IS LIFE.

We arrived at the ER. For 3 hours Ryder complained of his neck and back being in pain. I didn’t even want to think  about the horrible “what if” questions that were racing through my head…like what if a kid had jumped on him from the diving board and he was paralyzed…what if my son could never be an athlete, or a cyclist, or, or…’Don’t even think that‘ the voice inside me took over. I intentionally tried to override my thoughts from going there.  Breathe. Stay in the present moment. Everything is going to be okay I kept reminding myself.

The ER team worked to cut off Ryder’s swim trunks, wrap him in warm blankets and stabilize his lungs.

Ryder couldn’t stop coughing blood. He had experienced pulmonary edema, he had breathed in pool water as he sunk to the bottom of the 12 feet pool. His lungs were filled with blood.

I sat by his side. Well as close as they would let me be to him and be out of the way of his amazing ER team of Doctors and Nurses. I mostly stood, I couldn’t sit. My prayers were continuous over my son and over his doctors. Ryder was conscious. They had even cheered him up by turning on the TV.  I’d never been so happy to hear the voices of the Nickelodeon show  “Go Diego go” on because that felt like something kid like and normal.  Not to mention I heard Ryder’s laugh. Hearing his laugh made me feel relieved that he was in pain but could still laugh.  As time in the ER went on, my boyfriend brought me dry clothes as a hospital worker reminded me to eat something. Of course I couldn’t eat anything. I needed to know my son was going to be alright.

Somewhere near midnight the good news came

Good news, one of the Doctor’s told me, “Your son’s lungs have stabilized” we can get him into xray and check injuries to his neck and back.”

With deep breaths and shaky legs for the second time that day I followed Ryder in a stretcher.  The nurse wheeled him into xray. When the Doctor wheeled him out, “Your son is fine! Nothing is broken” the wave of thankfulness that took over me can not be expressed. Another hurtle cleared.

By 2 a.m. Ryder was settled into a room for the night to recover at Children’s Hospital. When his Dad had heard the news of the accident he had jumped in his car in Eugene, Oregon and just kept driving the 8 hour drive south to where we were.

As Ryder drifted to sleep from pure exhaustion, I too collapsed into the chair/bed next to his hospital bed. Knowing I was beyond exhausted and needed rest I tried forcing myself to get some rest.  I soon found out that sleeping became worse than the event itself.  Every-time my eyes closed the images of what Ryder went through,… being unconscious at the bottom of the 12 feet deep pool,… what would have happened if he hadn’t come conscious on the pool deck,… if he hadn’t still had a pulse when the lifeguard pulled him out,… Ugh ! My imagination and fear kept getting the best of me. I would awaken myself back up and just stare at Ryder . “He’s okay, relax” “He’s alive” “He’s Here”  I would say some prayerful tearful thanks and force myself to  close my eyes and find sleep again.

It wasn’t until a couple hours later when Ryder’s Dad walked in the room at 6.30 a.m. that I finally surrendered to my emotions and got some relief.  I left Ryder’s side for the first time since the accident. I wondered blurry eyed to the hospital cafeteria.  Not hungry for anything but knowing my body had nothing left and needed something.

I sat there staring out the window in the cafeteria.  A coffee in hand. It was then that all the events of the last 12 hours caught up with me.  I finally collapsed in tears. It was such a stressful and scary ordeal to go through and yet my body had saved it all up for later. This now was the “later” moments to feel it all.

The veil between life and death is so very very thin.

As I retell the story above, I admit this event still shakes me to this day. As a parent, I admit how hard it is while raising kids, especially on long or overwhelming days, to stay in thankfulness for your children’s lives.  But please trust me when I say this, “Don’t take any moment of your child’s life, their consciousness and certainly their breath for granted.

I share this story to remind you to be safe in the pool particularly this holiday weekend but of course at all times as well.  I also share this story to remind myself and my family how forever thankful we are and will be that our Ryder came back to us that day.

Live your life as if every moment is a miracle, because it is. 

Yours in the Healing journey,

Meredith

mkm

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My healing experience with Deborah King

A year ago today, if you had told me I would be into a daily meditation practice and energy healing I would not have believed you. But I am. And this is why.   On May 1 I had the most awesome healing experience with Spiritual teacher & best-selling author Deborah King. In the middle of a 3hr workshop I had raised my hand for help healing my chronic debilitating migraines.

I was attracted to Deborah as a healer because she had been a high powered attorney who was diagnosed with cancer at age 25. With that diagnosis she became a student of healing to heal herself.  I had also heard that you didn’t need to believe in energy healing to receive a healing benefit so I signed up.
After finally mustering the nerve to raise my hand, Deborah called me up in front of the group and did a healing on me. Before she began she asked me a few questions about my brain tumor. Because I knew I was coming to her workshop I had just read  her book, “Truth Heals, what you hide can hurt you”.
The book is about speaking your truth especially if there is shame or guilt involved.  Because of her own personal experiences she wrote the book in 7 chapters, a chapter to heal each energy chakra.  Chakras are energy centers in our body which energy flows through and there are 7 of them.
If emotions are suppressed in your body they become dense and stuck energy. So with reading her book I was somewhat prepared to be vulnerable going up on stage. At that point I was 1.5 years (now I’m at the 2.5 year mark) into dealing with chronic migraines and I had reached a frustrating low point in my struggle.  I was more than willing to do whatever work it took to clear the migraines from regularly showing up and especially shorten their duration & eliminate their frequency in my head.
So yes, I was willing to “do” the work even if it meant speaking my painful truth in front of an audience of strangers.
As I stepped onto the stage Deborah looked right at me and validated my physical pain. “Whoa, that’s a big migraine”…and moments later…“Yes I see your tumor.”
She asked me specifically:
*what was happening in my life at the time I was diagnosed with the tumor
…I told her.
Next, She asked me specifically…
*what was happening in my life when the tumor started to grow
I was so desperate to go back to “normal” and experience life without a migraine even for a day! I was willing to let go of my life-long and conditioned fear of caring about what people thought about me, or what they thought about why my marriage ended because of an affair and/or what they thought of me being married or not.  All my own judgement and shame issues, not theirs.
“My husband was having an affair” I managed to say as I avoided eye contact with everyone in the audience that was now staring at me.
“Are you still with him?” She asked. I just shook my head & let some bottled up tears fall as a familiar lump of pain formed in my throat.
“Feel that?” Deborah said to the audience…”there is a lot of fear and anxiety locked in your body”
A wave of pain, grief, shame & sadness left every cell of my body…
All of a sudden I had more room and space  to breathe in my own body. Breathing deeper and more often is still something I am working on. Breathe is our life force. If you are someone like me with a diagnosis like a tumor or cancer, in my experience the fear of death alone can  compete unconsciously with your life fore energy.
Back to my healing session. Deborah stood close to me. Her hand placed lightly in the small of my back. I believe she intuitively knew I was petrified to be up in front of the audience, my knees were weak from being the center of attention.
She called up helpers and she sent energy healing to me.
After a couple of minutes …she whispered in my ear. “I wanted to do more but I was told to stop”. “Ok, thank you” I said as she hugged me and I walked slowly back to my seat.
“Energy Healing can work until an issue manifests in the physical form,” Deborah taught, “once an issue manifests then you need doctors. In fact, when you are facing something as big as a brain tumor or cancer have as many people on your team as possible.”
Deborah waited until I had gone back to my seat and looked straight at me…”Be open to surgery” she advised me, “you are going to want to keep talking to those Doctors”
“Okay” I said.
“It’s okay if you are not ready,” Deborah continued,  “Just meditate everyday, morning and night, until you are ready”
At the time I remember feeling an amazing rush of energy, a lightness of the burden I had been carrying, consciously & unconsciously.  I remember not quite understanding the magnitude of the healing had taken place. I was tired from the emotional release and tears just from sharing pieces of my story, recognizing my grief made me feel relieved.
Now, a year later I see that healing session was one more necessary step on my healing journey.  Moving me forward again in living a life full of peace and joy. Carrying around 7 years of disappointment, shame and grief wasn’t serving me, wasn’t serving my life and it definitely wasn’t serving my health.
As part of the 3 hr workshop with Deborah, she taught us how to test energy chakras on partners to determined if energy was running healthy in and out, and to test if all our chakras were open or closed. I definitely had some work to do in these as well. Especially heart (4th chakra, green) and throat (5th chakra, blue).
I am so thankful for Deborah King and for energy healing.  Now, a year later, I am continuing to receive energy healing and meditate on my healing options for my brain tumor treatment but with so much less weight, fear and anxiety then a year ago this time.
If you are on a healing journey and looking for ways to move past your pain message me.
Yours in the healing journey.
MKM

“Forgive them even if they are not sorry”… a valuable life lesson to learn

Are you in Pain?  Take yourself on a Forgiveness Retreat. I did.

It was August 2010, I was on a church weekend Forgiveness Retreat.   I had heard about the retreat a couple weeks before and knew immediately, with every cell of my body, a 100% yes !, that I needed to get myself there.  No matter what favors or babysitting I had to call in, my heart and soul knew I needed some deep level healing.  I may not have been ready to heal just yet, I was still licking my wounds. I was more at a place where I was trying to practice deep breathing between emotional roller-coaster outbreaks of “Why me?” and “What next?”.

So there I was, at this forgiveness retreat, not having any idea what to expect.  I was new to the divorce journey and I hadn’t quite found my allies of support just yet.  I was too busy processing the pain and trying to accept this new life for myself. On top of this pain distraction I had just moved back home to the bay area and was attending a church I hadn’t gone to since I was in High School.  I was still in a no man’s land, somewhere in between the life I was leading before the “life change” happened and the space in between where I didn’t know quite who to trust, talk to and where to receive support. I was a little lost.  And as a woman who had always prided herself on knowing what she wanted and where she was going this was hard for me.

I walked into the main hall of the retreat center and it was dark and uninviting. I was early. I was the first one there.  Great, this is going to be a long weekend, I thought to myself. Can I still return to my car and take off before anyone see’s me?  Apparently my spirit wanted me to get over myself and be there for healing but my broken heart, overwhelmed mind and distrusting body wasn’t quite on board yet.

Me? somewhere early, that never happens.  Usually I’m squeezing in a workout or an errand and walking in just in time.  But that day I was there early because I was scared.  I was out of my comfort zone but I was also eager to do something different in my recovery.  It had been more than 6 months since I’d started my divorce journey and I wasn’t in a good place yet. Before I had the chance to dart to the door a woman called out to me.  It was the pastor leading the retreat.

There was another reason I was there early.   Before the retreat we could book special prayer time with the pastor throughout the weekend. I nabbed the first spot.  I wanted to be able to tell the pastor if I was crying uncontrollable that I was fine.  I didn’t want the group to worry about me or hold up the itinerary of the workshop.  I wanted her to know my story before the weekend began. It was my tendency to hide, overlook my own needs and take care of others needs before my own.  Not this time. I wanted to heal.  I wanted to have accountability with the pastor who was leading the retreat.  I wanted to have a “deal” that this time I was going to break some of my life long patterns that I was beginning to identify. I didn’t want my life to ever be in this magnitude of depletion, turmoil, loss and grief ever again.  It was too painful.  To great of a loss.

After we met, the pastor walked me outside to a garden spot.  As we sat there overlooking a Mountain view, she told me a little about her story and how she came about to leading the retreat.  I then began to open up to her and share with her my story.

Healing takes admitting you are in PAIN

Why did this retreat call to me? Why am I here?  It had been more than 6 months since my life and marriage relationship had forever changed and I needed more then the weekly counseling sessions and the books I was reading. I needed to find a way to integrate forgiveness into my unraveling marriage relationship or the pain was going to get the best of me.  I wasn’t a fan of forgiveness but I needed to do things differently. I wanted to stop crying.  I wanted to be happy again.

I told the pastor I was going through a separation process with my Husband of 10 years.  We had 2 small children together, age 3 and 4 1/2.  Our separation was a complete surprise to me.  To say the rug was pulled out from under me was an understatement. I never saw our abrupt and painful ending coming.  (Well at that point I was oblivious, I was busy with 2 small children and running a fitness business from my home.  Later as I did more work I did see more pieces of the puzzle I was able to see later, but that is a sharing for another day.)

Even though I wasn’t a fan of forgiveness I instinctively knew that I needed to get my bearings on who I was and what I wanted so that I could make some real life decisions.  Life decisions that would forever impact my family as I knew it.  I didn’t know much about the journey I was on but I did know that I didn’t want to make any decisions out of hurt, anger or fear… I wanted to at least make my important life changing decisions from a neutral place.

Forgiveness work only works if you actually want to set the intention to forgive someone.  I wasn’t there yet. And that was okay.  I was still so resentful to my husband I knew I needed to clear that before I could do the next layers.   Honestly, I had enough self-awareness that I was there that weekend with the intention of hearing people talk about forgiveness not actually ready to take it on the practice for myself. Not yet.

Since that weekend, I have learned again and again, that my soul came here to learn a life lesson. A Life lesson of practicing “FORGIVENESS”…. Note to self, please choose a life lesson a little less traumatic next time, please !?… Thank you.

So in the energy of teaching what we most want to learn…I need to flex my muscle a little and tell you the truth…on that weekend “forgiveness retreat” my wise pastor who heard my story… took a deep knowing breathe and said:

Build your Forgiveness MUSCLE

“Meredith, that’s a lot of forgiveness you will need to access to come through this to the other side.  I know you have the courage and the strength to do this but it is going to take work and a lot of time on your part.  You are an athlete, think of forgiveness as a muscle, this weekend, is only 48 hour container, this forgiveness with your husband is too much to accomplished in such little amount of time.  Let’s think of something small, small disappointments, small betrayals, small heartbreaks…that you can practice working on in the meantime, this way you can build some muscle this weekend and you can keep going when you are ready.”

This pastor was speaking in terms I could understand.  I could practice the way a beginner runner would run a 5k, then work her/his way up to a 10k, then a half-marathon and so on.  Taking each mile a couple blocks or laps around a track at a time.   No runner would just do a Marathon without a lot of work, time and planning.  So neither was I going to forgive my husband overnight in a short weekend.

With this advice I could breathe a little deeper. Or actually start breathing. I think in all the shock and trauma and upheaval in the months leading up to this retreat. I don’t think I had been doing much breathing. Sobbing yes…breathing and surrendering into the process, No!  Accepting it was going to be a long, very long process. No, definitely not.

The Weekend retreat started.  The retreat was full of exercises, ceremony, music, quiet time and prayers.  If you are a place that you too need to admit your pain, try this exercise below. If you are also feeling blocked of giving and receiving love freely in your life also try this exercise, it will help unblock you:

Forgiveness Exercise, start your List:

Step 1) Take out a piece of paper and answer the following questions. Write down names and as many details and emotions that come to the surface for you. Be open, vulnerable and allowing:

Who has hurt you?

Who has told you, that you couldn’t BE something you wanted to BE?

Who has told you, that you couldn’t DO something you wanted to DO?

Who has told you No?

Step 2)  Go back and rank the level of forgiveness on a scale of 1-10 how painful it is to forgive that person.  Work on your lowest levels first, then work your way up this way you will build up your forgiveness muscles and take the time that you need.

Step 3) Keep this list. Meditate daily on this list. Sit with the name, or names. Be in a posture of sending love and forgiveness to the person. Give yourself Grace for as long as this takes.  Keep asking for help and support from those who have walked the forgiveness road too.  Admit that that your journey is hard, then breathe and keep going.

 

More inspiration from the retreat.

Over this weekend I also heard these powerful releasing words,

“Forgive them, even if they are not sorry”

Did that ever take my breathe away.  These words shook me up.  Up until that time all my conditioning had been, that I could forgive someone if they said they were sorry and said the right thing.  Childhood flashbacks of my 2 sisters and I fighting and our parents demanding us to face each other with eye contact, through tears and say we were sorry.

To be honest, my ex-husband did tell me he was sorry over and over again.  In fact, he wrote me over 100 love letters…but I had gone to a place of unforgiving. Trauma and pain will do that to you.   I remember reading his letters and even wanting to hear specific certain words from him.  Nothing was acceptable.  I now know that was my heart had hardened and closed in pain.

The Healing Journey

In my divorce journey I have learned a new ability to strive towards recognize the pain, staying open in the pain and showing up in and with LOVE anyway. This is so tough to learn and can only be learned by practice.  Yes, and in my experience the Universe will send you those exact relationships to practice your needed skills if you need them.  But I promise you, the more I have practiced, the stronger my forgiveness muscles, the more freedom and love I have been able to enjoy in my relationships.

In closing, if you are working on forgiveness muscles I want to leave you with another quote that I have served me in prayer, meditation and journal time in breakthroughs to deeper and deeper forgiveness:

“You can have a grievance or you can have a miracle but you can not have both”  Marianne Williamson.

Some forgiveness mantra’s that have helped me:

“The success of my Relationship is always in my Hands”

“Freedom is a choice. Not something that happens to US”

“I am giving and receiving profound Love”

 

It’s been 8 years since I first started this forgiveness journey, divorce journey, healing journey and I am still going.  And that is okay!  Each person I meet on this journey leads me to a deeper understanding of myself and a lighter perspective of true Freedom.

Yours in Love, Big Love, the kind of love that loves through the pain, sitting in a body with deep healing.

Yours in the healing journey!

Meredith K. Mills

If you are finding yourself facing the need to forgive someone, in pain and struggling through it. You are not alone.  Please contact me through MeredithMillsCoaching.com. I’d be happy to support you on your Life Change and healing journey.  I’ve been there and I can help support you to get to the other side.

 

How I Manifested my Dream House

It’s move in day and you could JUST pinch me !!!

In my line of work as a life coach I live and breath intention, vision boards and manifesting…however, manifesting this Dream HOUSE, for ME and my children, in the ease and timeliness that it was found and came to me still has me over the moon excited and just blown away in a miracle of JOY.  Read on below to find out more.

 

It was June, I received a notice that made me think.

Less than 90 days ago…. I received a letter from my daughter’s school for residency.  It had been less than a year since I had left my previous live-in boyfriend. (That conscious uncoupling break up is a story for sharing on another day!)  The need to prove where I lived brought up the question in me, is this the right place? Is this where my kids and I need to be right now? Maybe it was time to consider change? Perhaps I needed a new plan. But, what was that plan??  I wasn’t sure.

I folded up the school letter, tucked it into my “to work on” file and jumped on a plane to LA. I’d had a business trip planned for months and I wanted to focus on my re-entry to working full time as a coach again. I didn’t want to be distracted off course thinking about a move.   Ahh, I don’t have to worry about this now I thought, as I headed to LA.  Of course the question kept looping in my head prodding at my attempt to travel in peace. In response I thought, no no, I can do this, I can stay in California another year, my current situation isn’t ideal,.. but enough of it is “okay”.  After all I need to just keep doing what I’d been doing, focusing 100% on regaining my optimal health. Please, I can’t think about a move right now.  I am comfortable…Ugh. I said that word. Comfortable. eek. That’s not my word. That thought left me unsettled but I still tuned out the need to think about a move just yet.

When your friends become examples…

Fast forward 6 weeks later.  I received another nudge. My dear and close friend, Erin,  who just so happened left Oregon the same year I left Oregon was leaving the Bay Area.  Her and her husband and their 3 girls had packed up and left for Idaho.  We met for a farewell walk on the beach and a nice goodbye dinner. In our lengthy conversation we agreed how hard it is as Mom’s, athletes and trainers to really make a living and afford a house in the increasingly expensive and overpopulated Bay Area.

It made me think again of the statistic of how only 10% of people KNOW what they really want….well Erin and I sure have known for a long while what we wanted. Fitness, happy family life and successful businesses.

Well I came home from that goodbye beach walk and dinner and thought about it.  It’d been a while since I thought about the Big Picture.  So much had changed in my life since fighting a brain tumor the last 2 years.  I’d been so focused on getting a clean MRI reading, living less migraine days and keeping on top of medical bills…. “Mere” Erin’s voice echoed,  “you gotta think about more then just paying the medical bills”. Oh yah, I thought, there is more to life then this !!  Oh yah,… who was I before I got sick??  What was I dreaming about? I had gone back to survival mode, otherwise known as settling or playing small.  *Note to self, time to start the dream intentions again.  Then dream bigger. Stop with the small stuff or the settling. Obviously I’d gotten off course a bit.

Life Coaching Exercise for Manifesting

The next morning in my meditative, writing time, I turned to a life coaching exercise.

  1.  I took out a sheet of blank copy paper.
  2.  On the top I wrote: “If I had a million dollars… I would ________________”.
  3.  I closed my eyes and thought.

The Answer I got:

Move to Eugene and buy my Ex-Father in Law’s House

Oh!….

With this exercise you utilize the notion that  you act {AS IF}.  As soon as you act {AS IF} your true hearts dreams and desires can get through.   Without blocks, limits, or excuses  in the way your clarity can come.

What blocks, limits or excuses you ask?  Come on, you know them; the resistance loops of “I don’t have the time”

“I don’t have the money”

“I don’t have the energy”

“I don’t have the time, money or the energy”…

Delete those.  Step into and focus on living in the possibility of what it could be for you.

 

Back to the Answer I got:  Move to Eugene and buy my Ex-Father in Law’s House

 

I got my answer, now what..

Well it was July and it just so happened that for a year and a half I had heard through my Ex that his Father was about to sell his house. Why did this matter?

For years I had loved this house. In my married days I’d spent many holidays and bbq’s there.  I looked at pictures of this house that called to me and lit up my heart’s desires.  I made a list of what spoke to me about this house and why I loved it.

Here is the list:

  • I loved the windows
  • I loved the wood work
  • I loved the huge kitchen with a gas stove
  • I loved the decks to enjoy the outside (there were 3)
  • I loved the gorgeous well kept landscaped garden
  • I loved the various trees that surrounded the property
  • it was in Eugene, close to my EX so my kids could see their Dad more
  • it was in Eugene, which meant I could get a much needed break from the go go go of city life

With manifesting, you recognize your heart’s desire and you repeatedly say “I desire THIS… or something better” and so I did this.   I completed this exercise and did the mantra. I spent time meditating on my heart’s desire and why (both in the morning 5-10 minutes and in the evenings 5-10 minutes before I went to bed). I pictured the house.  I saw myself in the house. I saw my kids in the house. I envisioned the friends, clients and gatherings I’d have in the house. I set my intention of a place that would be a sacred quiet sanctuary to recharge myself and raise my kids.

I focused on this house for a couple of weeks.  Talked to my ex about buying it.  Worked out what it would look like in my personal life and my business life, with my kids and my schedule to actually uproot from California and trek back up to Oregon, re-root and make Eugene, home base again. I saw the plan unfolding and the steps it would take to make it all happen.

Then an amazing thing happened.  The door Closed.

I didn’t get my Father-in-law’s house. The one on my vision board. The house went on the market and it went to someone else.  HUMPH!  Now what?  I didn’t miss a beat. Seriously! Not even a moment.

Apparently, I was completely in alignment with the idea of “this or something better”.  Hmm, this door has closed. I stayed in high energy, I stayed in curiosity. I didn’t abandon my hopes and dreams for this gorgeous sanctuary house. I had touched into what I desired and I wasn’t shaken by the change of events.

“Ok, Universe,” I said,  “what do you have in mind for me and my children now?”  Being on board with Gabby Bernstein and her well versed book and mantra “the universe has my back” I didn’t lose hope for even a moment.

I jumped right into,  “Ok, what else could it be? what else could it be? what else could it be?”

By the next morning after hearing the news of losing out on the house, I started in on plan B, for me it was a start of looking for rentals.  A couple days of this went by.  I made a little list: South Eugene, a place with hard wood floors, a big kitchen to cook in.  I sent out a couple emails even did a “wanted” posting.  Waiting and staying in action in full 100% anticipation that the right house was out there for me and my children.  I kept thinking in curiosity of what was “better” than the house on my vision board.

On about the 4th day, I set out to look and I took time to meditate before I went on the computer.  Up until that day I’d been jumping online as soon as I woke up looking for what had posted since the night before.  Reminder, *Note to self keep that first 30 minutes every day clear for meditative thought or writing … the phone, the computer full of messages, facebook updates or instagrams can wait. ! Life is a lot easier if you lead it and not just start your day in a reactive state.

“look for 2 bedrooms“…. I heard. 

Boom, I jumped on my computer and reduced my search criteria to 2 bedrooms (I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl, of course I’d been looking for 3 bedrooms, why would I look for 2?).  The first thing that popped up was this gorgeous dream house.  I circled through the pictures. My heart racing that sweet pleasure pulse of excitement. This is it!!  I felt.  Exactly what I wanted. I didn’t even have to look at my previous list. I knew it had everything I had loved about my Ex-Father in law’s house and more…

  • lots of windows
  • gorgeous wood work
  • a huge kitchen with a gas stove
  • decks to enjoy the outside (there were 3)
  • gorgeous well kept landscaped gardens
  • trees surrounding the property
  • located in Eugene, close to my EX so my kids could see their Dad more
  • located in Eugene, which means I could get a break from city life

Even better than, and more fitting to what I had originally had had my heart set on.  Wow.  This manifestation of my heart’s desire had truly taken REAL LIFE FORM.  What an awesome miracle and blessing.  This house even had extra’s.  A view of the sunset. It was tucked away on a quiet cul-de-sac.  It was in South Eugene, close to the running trails.  The house also has a meditative rose garden with a fountain. In addition to a fountain in the front yard that I could look at and hear while in the kitchen. Oh, I could go on and on. What a complete dream.   Thank you! Thank you! Thank you Universe I have said over and over.

So please, I share this miracle story with you to encourage you that you too can manifest your heart’s desire.

Move past the excuses of not having the time… the money… the energy or all three!!  And just sit with what you really desire, {AS IF} you already had complete access to what it took to get it.

Trust me I share this to remind you that I know how hard it is to Dream Big, when you’ve gone thru a trauma, disappointment, heartbreak, illness, etc of any kind. It’s hard to dream big when you have defaulted to survivor mode.  If you are there, please don’t hesitate to schedule a call with me.  There is something about really accessing what you really want, beyond your limited thinking, beyond where you can’t see past yourself to that bigger picture. That bigger picture that is waiting for you.

If you told me 90 days ago that I’d be moving into this gorgeous dream house on Sept 1, I would have FREAKED OUT!!  No way I would have told you!  How could that happen? But it DID !

Thank you for reading! Here’s to not forgetting your power !

In all love and gratitude.

Meredith K. Mills

Please message me at meredith.mills.lifecoach@gmail.com to share your dreams and manifesting miracles with me.  To your great success and happiness.

 

 

 

 

Your past is never where you think you left it; my own strength in grief decision to MOVE Back to Oregon

MY past…

Last week my ex and I announced to our two children that there was going to be Big Change in our family.  Seven years ago I left Eugene, Oregon for California.  Now I am moving back and I want to tell you why. The picture above was taken the summer before I left.  My version of this picture was that we were a young happy family.

For family: My husband (at the time) and I loved each other, were best friends, and had two beautiful children, Ryder was 18 months, Carleigh had just turned three.  My heart was full.

For fitness: My husband and I had just completed a 50k the day before; my version of bonding and proving we could still be fit and healthy even while having two young children in tow.

For work: I was achieving my desire to stay home with my two small children and work, I had a thriving boot camp fitness business that I loved and that was successfully serving a tribe of awesome Moms, let alone me and my two children.

Two sides of ever story…

However, I don’t have to tell you that there is ALWAYS two sides of every story/photo; what is seen and what is not seen.  A year later I was to come to find out that my ex had internal work and personal struggles going on that he wasn’t sharing.  Matters of importance for his own soul’s journey, that to be honest, I was too young, naive and rigid to understand. In my own journey I am happy to say I have learned a whole new lens of compassion and forgiveness since then that I did not have access to back then, thus my big move to California. Things were much more involved but in short I will say that I believe that it is only my job to be an expert of my own journey.   I do not have to do my spouse’s (partner, significant other’s) work for them. I can choose to show up, choose to love, choose strength in grief, choose compassion and forgiveness, in every moment. But their work is… theirs!  Just like I would never do my children’s homework for them.

 

Seven years ago my choice was to leave….

The Course in Miracles, says regarding relationships,

“Sometimes the Lesson is to stay, sometimes the lesson is to leave”… 

Where was I seven years ago? To be honest if I remember back then or reread my journal entries, I wasn’t a 100% sure at any moment. I daily, hourly went back and forth on what I felt and thought was best for my heart, my soul and my spirit’s recovery and ultimately what was best for my kids.  I was hurt enough that I longed to find my own deep well of peace and happiness so I could be “the best Mom”, which included being healthy (emotionally, physically and mentally) for them.

When the Universe intervened on my good intentions: I tried to go back to Oregon three months in, but I got in a car accident….

That first summer I did try to go back to Oregon.  It was my daughter’s 5th Birthday.  I had been in California for over three months. I had promised my ex that I would come home from California to celebrate her Birthday as a family.  This is quite a story of it’s own but I will save the details of that story for a sharing on another day.  In short, I had never been in an accident my entire life, thanks to superior fast reaction bike skills. My car lost two tires and had to be towed back to the Bay Area. Don’t worry, no one was hurt!!  It just took three weeks for my car to be fixed, long enough for me to imagine starting a new life in California.

Back to NOW…a quick recap of the last seven years.

For five years I was 100% focused on building, creating and enjoying my life in California. I had set the intention early on to make my separation and divorce “the best thing that ever happened to me”.

For family:  I loved that my children were going to the same elementary school that I had attended and seeing their Grandparents everyday and cousins at least one time a month.

For fitness: I happily trained and raced 70.3 Ironman’s, with an amazing fast bike team, a great track group and daily access to miles of challenging trails and a state of the art swimming pool where I worked. I was in triathlete heaven.

For work: I was thrilled with my full time job at a country club. Personal training, teaching TRX classes before and after work hours and doing the books, billing and payroll for the club during the “off-peak” afternoon hours.

In any moment if you had asked me then how I was, I would have told you that I felt I was doing exactly what I wanted to do and that I was soul happy.  I never thought anything would change.  I even said quite a few times that I would never leave California. (Psst…word from the wise, never say never).  I often told people divorce was the best thing that happened to me because I could live where I felt Alive, Inspired and Content.  That I was thankful and grateful and I had a new lease on life.

But a funny thing happens when you think you have everything you want….I started getting nudges to think about how else my life could look like. The idea of moving back to Oregon routinely made its way into my meditations and journal entries.  I found myself thinking about moving back several times throughout the year.  Yes, especially when I had to endure long summers without my kids or holidays without them.  There were quite a few times in the last three years where I’d “try on” the idea of moving then convince myself I wasn’t ready yet.

“If you wait until you are ready you will be waiting the rest of your life”…

So there is a difference between being “ready” and timing.  As the years have gone by, and especially the last two years as I’ve been fighting my own health challenge of dealing with a benign brain tumor, I was slowly becoming more and more open to the idea of moving back to Oregon. However, each time I’d visit this idea, and explore what it would be like, not enough things were aligning in my thoughts, mindset and emotions, relationships, business and finances so I’d quickly put the idea back on the shelf again.

This last year, however, things changed.  One event after another door’s kept closing abruptly and significantly.   My heart kept longing for something new.  You know that feeling when places, people or thing’s that once held allure, excitement and joy for you all of a sudden are not holding your attention anymore? Yes, that was what I’ve been feeling.  Just a growing nag of “this isn’t it”.

The final decision…

I was in my Doctor’s office this summer. Reviewing how my health was. She asked me on a scale of 1-10 what was my stress level?

“20” I chirped, with no hesitation

We both just looked at each other. I took a deep sigh.  Yes. I need to change this.  It’s time. I breathed into this deeper and deeper. It’s time. In that Doc’s office I declared my need  physically to step off the “hamster wheel” of living in the city, being a single Mom 24/7 thru the school year.  It’s time for some more quiet.  A whole lot of it.  This time it is my brain that needs the healing.  My heart now wants my kids to have more time with their Dad before they are out of the house, and especially this golden time where what their parents say, think and do is as important as their peers think.  ha ha I know, I know, with my daughter who has now turned 12 and is heading into 7th grade this fall I am well aware , that this clock is ticking LOUD and fast.  And my son who is 10 now, to have more father son time with his Dad, the timing could not be more perfect.  My mama heart is happy.

So the time is here.  To take a deep breath and make this all happen.  The minute I said Yes and truly chose this new journey for my children and I.  Doors started opening. Flying open!!  My ex and I had long conversations about what it would look like, how we would tell the kids, and how we could collaborate in making this move back to Oregon happen.   I couldn’t do any of this big move without him and his support. In this same timeline of the last seven years my ex has done his own healing.  He got remarried last summer and I am really happy for him and his new life.

In closing, I want to say, I never thought my life would be this way – But I tell you the good story.  The one of personal growth, showing up everyday with gratitude, compassion and forgiveness.  I know, that I know, that I know that I am a completely different woman than I was seven years ago and I love that!  I see and experience life differently.  I am not so naive, I am not so rigid.  Lordy, do I have a ton more tools to cope with what life throws my way.  I am a lot more open.  It’s all part of my soul’s journey and I am so so proud of the fact that I have gotten to a place that I love and accept everything !! that has ever happened to me.  And with that acceptance has come this new possibility of heading off to Eugene for this new Chapter.  Old hurts and old wounds can heal as needed, they are just stories after all, my intent is to pull forward all the good friends, clients and experiences and focus now on creating Eugene as my new place to feel fully ALIVE, INSPIRED and CONTENT.

There is a huge road of transition and change ahead.  I look forward to giving you the recap on the *for family, *for fitness and *for work that is to come.  Stay tuned.  It’s going to be good.

Thank you for reading!

Meredith K Mills

 

Is there a big life changing decision weighing on your heart?  I encourage you to keep listening to that inner voice because when you are ready “enough” you will know.  If you are ready to rewrite your own story from deficit to abundance, from fear to love, from victim to co-creator, contact me for coaching at MeredithWellnessCoaching.com   Trust me, I have been where you are at and I can mentor and guide you thru your journey.  There is always room for an up-level and a new chapter.  Be strong in your grief.

“It’s just Brain Surgery,”…said no one ever…why I chose to WAIT the 3 Phases you need for “right for you” decision making.

My intention of sharing with you today is to communicate my {How To Deal with your “Bad News” phone call}, or as us growing in consciousness folk like to call it, aka the {How To DEAL with your “Wake UP” call} tools. You must receive it, absorb it and move to the place of  healthy decision-making.  Here is how:

My Personal Life Changing Wake up Calls:                                                                                 I will give you the quick back story of my experiences so that you are aware of where this wisdom comes from, the most significant being; the heartbreak of two miscarriages (2003 and 2004), the day I received a four page letter from my husband’s girlfriend (2009), and most recently, the Wake up Call of my LIFE, facing the news of a brain tumor diagnosis (2015).

Weather the cause of the call is family, love or health, on the other side of your pain journey will be the life lesson of it.

It has been my experience that the tools and mindset you use are similar no matter what the reason… what really matters is your ability to surrender and accept the pain and learn what it is here to teach you.

When I received this last “Bad News/Wake Up” phone call I was 41 years old.  A solo parent of 2 kids, divorced for 5 years.  I was happily making my living as a healthy and super fit personal trainer and life coach. I was 6 weeks out from racing a 70.3 Ironman triathlon, an achievement to me that symbolizes that I was making time in my life for what I loved and what was life-giving to me.  I felt great. I felt like I was on my soul’s path of who I chose to be in the world.  I felt like I had been tested, had my deep night of the soul and had come out the other side, better for it.  But unbeknownst to me, my soul’s journey wasn’t done. My confidence and health security all changed the morning I woke up feeling so terrible that I couldn’t walk or drive and before I knew it, a day later, I ended up in a hospital emergency room.

How did I, someone who had studied Health & Fitness my entire life?  end up in the emergency room?  Don’t we all ask ourselves this when we find ourselves in the deep dark scary painful places that we “never thought” we’d be?  The Why Me spin out phase as I affectionately like to call it.  Well, I didn’t know why me, all I knew was that I was there.  And I had to figure out a way to DEAL.

So you got your bad news. .  .  Forget the Why Me…, Now What?

  • You are in shock…Breathe.  Your only job now is to Absorb the news.
  • Sit with yourself and let the emotions come.  Emote, it’s okay to cry, let the tears come, heavy loud sobbing or even ugly cry, completely unleash here. (Hot soaking bath’s are best for this process)
  • Write in a journal.  Brain Dump. Emotion Dump.  In vulnerability.  In Anger. Allow your confusion and emotions to come up and out. Go deep. Go full spectrum. Don’t hold back. Allow the questions of why this, why me? to come up and out as well.
  • Receive and ask for help. Call your friends and family  (the supportive ones). Especially the ones who will bring you healthy and nourishing food to eat, take care of your kids and make you relax and take time to sleep.

Talk about receiving from the ones you love!  The day after I received my “bad news” brain tumor diagnosis phone call, my twin sister was in her car heading toward me.  She dropped her kids off at school and just… kept… driving!!! She drove 2.5 hrs to see me, hug me, cry with me and bring me my favorite foods even though I didn’t “feel” like eating.

I did all these things during the first Phase of my diagnosis.  Absorb, Emote, Write and Receive.

In the receiving and asking for help I called on my power of 5 (the 5 people in my life that I identify each month who are life-giving and supportive to me and my energy).  I did the Facebook post of sharing the news and received all kinds of love, nurturing support and helpful health resources and contacts.  I dove into this research full throttle. In between rests and naps of course.

Phase 1:  I gave myself 30 days at a slow pace.  I focused on the absorbing, allowing of my emotions, writing and receiving.  I cleared everything off my calendar.  Except doctor and pain relief treatment visits and cuddling with my kids.  I prioritized slowing down and seeking rest and comfort. I somehow managed to endure living with a full-blown Migraine for 30 days.   I would wake up in the morning and before I would even open my eyes I felt a jack hammer in my head wreaking havoc.  For four weeks, I went to several acupuncture treatments, Osteopath treatments and Doctor visits.  Finally my Neurologist prescribed me three days of steroids to kick the migraine out of my system so that my poor body would get a break and some much needed relief from all the pain.  Something finally took, and the 30 day migraine finally cleared.  Short relief! Unfortunately, the migraines kept coming back but that is another part of my story for a different day.

Phase 2: Face the question of Now What.                                                                                  So you have your bad news, now what?  Well it’s time to do the research and survey all your options.  With some found relief I could finally face the burning question of, “Now what?”  Let’s get back to the basics we all know and write that PRO/CON list.

Why did I have to write a list?  My bad news phone call meant that I had a Mega decision to make.  Was I going to elect to have Brain Surgery? or was I going to have radiation? or was I just going to decide to manage my symptoms and become a “wait and see” patient.

In my case my brain tumor is benign and slow growth so I had time for treatment options.

The moment my option for brain surgery became a WAIT                                              There I was in a meeting with my Neurosurgeon, 2 friends had driven me there.  I had a migraine so bad I could hardly see straight.  It was an hour into the exam and meeting, I could hardly focus my eyes on her, as she said these words, “Well, your migraines have nothing to do with your tumor, they ARE NOT a symptom of your tumor”…. everything inside me sat up straight and forward in my chair, “Wait !, what?, excuse me?… what did you say? I thought I was scheduling immediate brain surgery so I could have my head back.”…my hopeful heart counting on immediate relief sunk.

“Your migraine is not a symptom of your tumor” she repeated.

I froze.  The room was spinning. There was no way I was going to have brain surgery if it wasn’t going to hold the promise of clearing the migraines. Everything in me knew I needed to get to the root cause of the migraines that were causing me so much pain and disability….FIRST.

So then I entered my Phase 3: which I am still in today!  NO rush people!  Quality of LIFE is my goal!  My goal is to completely heal my brain, body and central nervous system and live to tell about it.  Through my tried and true life decision making process it wasn’t going to be to choose brain surgery that day. Nor is it a yes now, a year and a half later.  But I do revisit this question often.

Phase 3:  Set up your Strategy Plan and allow yourself to revisit in 30, 60 and 90 day increments. Identify your Big Picture End Result and work your way back.

As I say above my Big Picture End Result Goal is to completely heal my brain, body and central nervous system and live to tell about it.  For this goal I have to be patient and in no hurry.  Putting health, solutions and managing symptoms as my priority. I decided and committed to myself that I will take the long way, my declared healing journey, for that is what I have concluded to be my life lesson as to what my health crisis is here to teach me.

The lessons I’ve learned:                           My bad news/wake up call in the form of my brain tumor diagnosis has taught me to slow down.  I have learned to meditate and and practice yoga so my mind, body, heart and spirit have room to Absorb information.  I have learned to allow and experience my Emotions in life.  I am learning to open up my voice, speak up and write.  Lastly, I’ve learned to set aside the ego pride of having to do everything myself.  I’ve learned to stop the push push and sit back, lean back and ask, allow and receive help from the people who show up for me and are in my life.

As a life long athlete I will lastly tell you that while I grieve often that I can not push my body at the duration and intensity that I love, I am still using all those years of endurance Ironman training, using that tenacious mindset…or stubbornness…you can choose what you want to call it, to go after my perfect Health Blueprint.

Yes, of course the thought of brain surgery scares every part of me but I am determined to find out my root cause first.  PAIN is always your body trying to tell you something.  My greatest lesson this past year has been truly to set aside that Ironman attitude of “sucking it up” and “pushing past the pain” and allowing my body to speak.

My current Strategy Plan for my {Health Blueprint} consists of  monitoring myself daily.  Continuing adding and subtracting supplements, foods, routines, that nourish and heal my body, brain and central nervous system

Extreme Self Care routine they call it

  • Food as Medicine and Food for healing
  • Prioritize sleep
  • Manage my stress
  • Checking my tumor for growth status every 6 months
  • Continue researching and praying for a new less invasive surgery for the removal of my tumor…

So in closing.  I hope my strategy tools of absorbing, allowing your emotions, writing and receiving encourage you no matter what your bad news phone call has been.

Sending you Love, Faith and right decision in your healing journey,

Meredith

mkm

If you are facing a health diagnosis and you need support be sure to email me at meredith.mills.lifecoach@gmail.com.  I will send you my resource list.

Forgive them even if they are not sorry…addressing my problem with Doctors, Teachers and Writer’s Block head on. We are all just human…after-all.

When I was a teenager I had 2 incidents that happened months apart.  Both were authority figures telling me I couldn’t DO something.

One, I was able to override and keep pressing on to success anyway…it took me a couple of years but I eventually found my way.  The other I am JUST starting to address.  Let me tell you more.

The first incident was a bike accident that I had had.  I was 16 and loved to run and was on the cross country team.  A bike accident left my limping for a week and into the Doctor’s office.  For some reason my mother dropped me off and wasn’t in the room for the x-ray reading.  The Doctor came and abruptly told me I wouldn’t be able to run again. Did I mention that I loved running?!  Running was my life.   As a High School Junior I was already getting recruited for college programs.  Unfortunately, I had no parent next to me to process the news and steer the conversation into questions or right conclusions. Instead, I just took the Doctor’s words at face value as my heart and running dreams sunk.  From that moment on, I turned to cycling and spent the next couple of years pursuing that.  Cycling became the next thing for me and I channeled my need for fitness, being on the move and adventure through that.

– At age 17 a trip to Germany with a Jr. cycling team

– At age 18 a trip across the country (U.S.A.) with a touring group

– At age 19 joining a collegiate cycling team and learning to race in college

Life was good.  It wasn’t until Spring of my Sophomore year in college (now age 21) that a friend asked me if I could run with her.  “Well no,… I can’t run.” I replied.  What do you mean you can’t run?!?!” she said, “how can you do 100 mile bike rides, and not run?”

“Yeah, you are right” I said as my voice trailed off and I started thinking about it.  That voice inside me saying, yeah, maybe I can run now?!?!  It’s been a long time. Why not try it?  I bought a pair of running shoes a week later.  Low and behold, I’ve run 10 marathons since and running came back into my life.  Healed.

So what about the other incident?  … this one was with a Teacher…

The 2nd incident was just a couple months later, still at 16. I was a new student in a new high school.  I was thrilled one afternoon in a creative writing class as graded papers were being passed out.  We had been assigned to write a play.  The excitement I felt when I saw that I was given an A+ was a complete thrill.   But my joy lasted but a moment.  I didn’t even have a chance to celebrate. As my eyes gazed up the teacher was glaring at me.  Stern eyes, tight lips, gruff voice…. “I want to see you outside”.  She barked at me….

I was shocked, okay… I rose from my seat and bewildered followed her out of the class. Next thing I knew, she was turning my paper over.  There she had written an F, I still remember that red pen.  Next thing I knew  I was being asked, rather told.  “There is no way you could have written this play?  Where did you get this mature content?”  This women was glaring at me demanding where I had plagiarized the play.  I was speechless.  She knew nothing about me. I had poured my heart, observations and creativity onto these pages and she was rejecting them as mine. I started rattling off the plays I had been to as a kid.  I also rattled off the plays I had been in.  I started rattling off the family matters that had grown my wisdom far beyond what was appropriate.   She just kept yelling at me determined to get a confession from me.  I had nothing.  Just a scared young girl looking at a teacher.  She threatened me.  She told me one day she would find that published play and come and get me.

Sadly.  My parents were never called in.  This teacher just decided I was a kid who was cheating.  Not only did she mistreat me the rest of the quarter she had my twin sister the following quarter and her judgement of me followed to my sister as well.

Sadly.  I was young.  I didn’t know better.  I didn’t know that my parents should have been invited into that conversation.  Perhaps they could have stood up for me.  Perhaps they could have validated me and told me to keep writing.  I didn’t really get that this was going to be a block for the rest of my life.  Well, until now!…

It’s never too late to overcome who they told you ~you couldn’t BE or told you~ what you couldn’t do.  

In my healing journey I will say this.  To that English Teacher wherever she is, who told me I was “too good” and it was “impossible” I could have written that play…. let’s just see what I can do now.  I will try to resolve this block one story at a time. And I will write in the energy of healing and a heart opened in forgiveness, not in the energy of anger.  I may or may not ever in my lifetime have an apology from this teacher.  She may never know what she did to my writer’s spirit.  In fact I looked her up in the yearbook and she wasn’t even on staff so I don’t even remember her name.  But none of this matters.  What matters is I have the awareness of the block now and I can show up and work my way through it.

I will send her healing and huge forgiveness anyway.  I am also sending so much healing and huge love and forgiveness to the 16 year old I was who was afraid to put myself out there since. Time to do this differently.

Please take a moment.  Is there something inside you:

-left unexplored?

– left undone?

Just because someone; a parent, a teacher, a doctor, anyone of authority…told you you couldn’t do something?  Well, here I am to say, let’s go do it!

Then of course let me know what you do.

Yours in the Healing Journey

Meredith K. Mills

MKM

Continue reading “Forgive them even if they are not sorry…addressing my problem with Doctors, Teachers and Writer’s Block head on. We are all just human…after-all.”