Empowerment

Need to make a BIG life changing relationship decision? Should you stay or should you go?…this is where I started mine.

 

Sorting through the aftermath of a 10 year marriage is not easy…especially if heartbreak, betrayal, and disappointment is involved.

In my case I had a BIG decision to make:  Should I stay? or….Should I go?  This decision was no joke. I had been married for 10 years to my *ideal mate: Christian, Cyclist, Best Friend.  When this event came to light, we had  2 small children together, age 2 and 3.  I couldn’t just leave.  This decision weighed heavy on me.  In my pain I had to think bigger than the moment, I had to borrow belief and faith that was not mine, I had to be strong and unselfish for my kids, for the big picture of their lives, not just selfish or pulling back in my pain. 

So…what did I do?  I TOOK MY TIME. MY SWEET, PRAYERFUL TIME.  And you should too.

I struggled with this Big Life Change decision for weeks, months actually:

  •  I talked when I needed to talk.
  • I prayed when I needed to pray.
  • I journaled when I needed to journal.
  • I cried when I needed to cry.
  • I unraveled when I needed to unravel.
  • I got angry when I needed to get angry.
  • I yelled when I needed to yell.

You name it… I did it.  For the first time in my life I let ALL my emotions out.

My pastor at the time, the one I met with immediately, within 48 hours of “finding out”. You know that “fun” (sarcastic voice being used here) life altering first week where I cried non-stop and wore sunglasses to preschool pickup because I didn’t want anyone to see how puffy and bloodshot my eyes were.  But I knew the truth, anyone looking at me a mile away KNEW something was wrong. I was far from vibrating at my regular “high on life” , “high energy”, “high vitality” friendly and loving vibration.  I was in shock. I was just a functioning shell. All I could do was cry. Hug my sweet kids and cry again.

My pastor gave me these wise words, these words were a resting place for me to explore my options and honor my feelings and choices:

“Don’t make any decisions for 90 days !!! … you are in shock. You do not need to do anything right away.  You have children with this man, he will be in your life forever.  Don’t leave because you are hurt.  He is a man of God. Ask God what is best for you. Take your time.  Take your time until you know what your answer is.  You have this right.”

In my sadness and broken heartedness I put up that boundary.  TIME, I need my time. This is a LIFE CHANGING decision.  I am in no rush.  My husband was.  He wanted to renew our vows.  I couldn’t. I wasn’t there yet. “What do you mean?” I remember saying after a counseling session, “I don’t know if I can even talk to you without throwing up,…how could I possibly renew my vows?!?!… and then, “Forgive you,?.. I’ve never forgiven anyone in my life”…gulp.  Whew. Truth. Truth is not easy. I knew my weaknesses.

So where did I go from there.  I needed to make a decision that was for my higher good, for my children’s higher good but I had zero connection to myself.

Dear SELF…What do you want?…..

I did not know what I wanted.  I am a Mom with 2 small children, running a business out of my home with no childcare, what do you mean want?

Dear SELF…How do you feel?

Feel?… all these feelings I was feeling were not familiar to me. I didn’t know what to do with the amount of judgment seething and anger and resentment flowing thru me. This was unknown territory for me.  Not to mention the inner child who sure had her days of pity party ….”This is not what I signed up for?!?!: I remember saying.

Dear SELF…Who do you want to be?

I don’t know, I am so confused and disappointed, Me BE? Who is this man in front of me?  He is NOT the man I married. The man I married would have “never” done that to me. ..

These questions continued for months.  After 4 months of this level of soul searching I DID decide to leave.

On March 21, 2010, I loaded my kids up for a 2 week vacation, leaving Oregon for some rays of healing sunshine in California where friends and family were waiting for me with open loving arms.  That 2 week “healing vacation” however, slowly evolved into a long-term {Fresh Start} but that is a sharing for another day.

In the meantime, if you too are facing a real life change decision I can not tell you enough to:

Take your TIME.  BE true to YOURSELF.  Honor and cycle thru all your emotions. Take Care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who will love you but not tell you what to do.  When you know, you will know.

In Big Love,

Meredith

mkm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wives, do you want to figure out your part in your husband’s affair? ‘Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress’ ***Book Review

August 2016

Women teaching women how to BE is one great muscle I gained from pursuing and becoming a Life Coach in 2014.

In my opinion Michael Drury‘s book , “Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress” embodies this in it’s sweetest form.  Let me tell you why.  I had the opportunity this past year to look back on my married life (married for 10 years, now divorced for 6).  My ex getting remarried this summer brought on new questions and contemplation for me.

Who I am?  

What quality of love relationships do I have in my life?  

Have I owned my part in the end/deterioration of my Marriage?

In my search for some new learnings and perspectives I found this book.

Drury’s book is a quick pleasing read.  It is just over 100 pages and divided in 5 sections.  While reading this book I first put myself in that place of the Young Wife I was when I was married… before kids, more than a decade and a half ago.  I intentionally connected and agreed if I were to sum up my divorce learnings in one sentence it would be aligned with Drury,… “Women, our first and last requirement is to BE a woman.”  This is what I didn’t know as a young wife, especially a young wife with 2 small children.  As woman who are natural givers and nurturers it is easy to lose ourselves in our marriages and our children.  Living in the masculine energy of do-do-d0 instead of being soft and living or rather slowing down to embody our feminine energy of be-be-be is where the problem lies.  I unfortunately learned the hard way.  A couple years into being a young wife with kids, My Ex on his own soul’s journey took on a mistress.  This horrible experience challenged me to ask “Why? and Why me?” for years.  When a woman loses herself in marriage, loses herself to her children she loses herself to herself.  What I have learned on my own journey is a Woman can come back to and ground into and live into is Drury’s statement: “Be a Woman, a whole person with brain and hands.”

With years of water under the bridge and the sting of betrayal worn off, if I were to honestly grade myself now on what I, a young wife might have gotten “wrong” in those early child bearing years that drove my sweet marriage to decline and end.  It would be this, “Wives too easily identify husbands and even themselves by their functions, but the mechanics of living are not living”.  Yes, my identity was surrendered in those early years. Not out of intention. Definitely out of conditioning of both my own mother and what I defaulted in what I had assumed the duties of what “a good wife” did.

So dear woman, let’s work on ourselves, work on our relationships. So we pursue real and vibrant Living.  Manage your time, energy and growth in yourself, relationships and work.

I know 6 years later after suffering the trauma and the wound of a marriage partnership ended, I have been able to see many gifts of where thru the pain of perceived loss where my true self and being were actually found. I know with out a doubt that I am a much greater Woman after going thru broken to get to the other side of recharge, rebuild, rebirth.

What was my greatest lesson?  I have bared the fruit of self actualization – that ability to grow with love.  The wisest teaching of this mistress – “know how to be loved”.  That is what divorce has taught me. “If there is a secret to being loved it lies in not having to have it”.   I have to come to this place these last six years in pursing myself and my love relationships I get this Freedom.  Loving with open hands and loving as if you don’t have to have it.  Loving and letting go.

And a final favorite quote from this book, “We belong to ourselves.  We are all required at last to accept full responsibility for our own events and conditions”.  Just think… if all of us could step into this level of adult responsibility, soul level maturity for a moment, how amazing would we be able to let our relationships, our lives, our homes, our communities to be.

In finally summer, I agree, in the past 6 years of divorce my greatest blessing has been the self actualization of my own desires, my own person, my own identity.  The riches of our relationships stem from how we {Become} whole people ….loving……whole people.

In love, lessons learned and true growth

Meredith

mkm

How I met my husband & won $1999 to pay for my Wedding…without even knowing about “Manifesting Money”

WeddingMoney

January 1999………………….

When I was a 23 year-old college student I met and fell in love with my best friend.

We met on the cycling team at U.C. Santa Barbara.  The first time I remember meeting him was on a afternoon team training ride.  I had taken a year off of cycling to compete in my first ever ironman distance triathlon, Ironman Canada 1996 and Ironman Vineman 1996.  In my season “off” from cycling, he had joined the team and made friends with everyone I knew.

On the start of the ride that morning, I just so happen to comment to him, “Hey, nice bike! I had that up until yesterday…”… silence…no response from him.  The bike was a Specialized Allez Pro… I had been on a training ride the day before with a teammate and we had been struck by a car pulling out of the flower growing fields south of Santa Barbara. The car had been blinded by the sun and had only stopped because he heard “screaming” and not because he saw us.  I was feeling pretty thankful. Happy to Be Alive. And lucky to not have been injured.  My Specialized Allez Pro racing bike on the other hand was TOTALED!!.  Since the collegiate cycling season was a few weeks from kick off … my friends’ husband, at the time a bike mechanic at one of the local shops, volunteered to stay all night at the shop switching over the frame to a loaner and building a bike for me so that I had something within 24 hrs to continue to training and racing on.

This guy however did not give me the time of day… Hmm. A challenge.  What is his deal?Later as we met a couple more times and got to know each other I came to find out that he hadn’t even heard me  that day…(***note to self…if you get the nerve to say something to someone, project more!).

So from there on, we raced, we traveled, we bonded, we fell in love.  He, the tactful sprinter, me the road racer who worked too hard… my racing tactics rapidly started improving with his influence.

Before I met him I was always doing too much in a race because I loved to work hard, loved the challenge of going fast and racing well.  I didn’t embody or anywhere show up with the “need to win”. My love of the sport and friendships formed is what drove me.   He showed up and started challenging me:

“If you are going to race, race!”

“plan ahead”

“Do you even know where the finish line is?”

“Ride the first lap, even the warm up lap thinking of your plan and how you are going to win.”

Hmm, … as I reflect now, sounds a lot like how life coaching is.

So now, back to the Manifesting Money story… fast forward 2 years.  We had gotten engaged. In that time of our relationship both my sisters had gotten married, I was eager to “settle down” as well.   I was a twin. I adored partnership. I knew backwards and forwards that I thrived in relationships, especially intimate committed ones.  I thrive talking and being with my best friend. That was a deep and cherished relationship for me.

More On Money, though I had 2 degree’s and was a recent college grad, I was working an entry level job.  My goal purely was to have {The Schedule} to bike race every weekend. Can you say “single-focus”?  I was living out my dream and discipline of doing what it took to become a professional cyclist.

Then all of a sudden our Wedding was less than 90 days away!   As I mentioned both my sister’s had gotten married.. .so being in a family of 3 girls, there wan’t any family gift money left for my wedding. Opps… last in line.

{Declare and be in touch with what you Need}  I had told my dear running partner on a training run that week that my fiancé and I needed at least $2k.   We just needed to find the money to pay off our rings… the ones that said “teammates”… and to pay our deposit for the Ceremony before we lost our reservation at a lovely hotel we had chosen across from one of the Santa Barbara beaches that we loved.

That afternoon my running partner and I had walked thru Gold’s Gym to shower.  A roommate’s friend said hello to me and gave me an extra ticket. He told me it was going to be an amazing party with lots of free food.  I hadn’t even thought about going to the party. My fiancee and I had so much wedding preparation not to mention apartment shopping to do.  However, the gym employee talked up the party so much that I had to go.  Of course it didn’t hurt that we were living on a shoe string ex collegiate – about to get married – budget so “free food” was the draw.  I walked out of the gym Friday afternoon convinced. We are going to that party.

I remembered later going home that night and seeing the original raffle ticket and invitation that had been mailed to me on my bulletin board a couple weeks before.  Hmm, maybe this could be it?  Honestly, my fiancé and I needed the money “so badly !!!” that I wasn’t even thinking of how amazing it would be if I WON it, I mean after all, who does that?

That night I told my fiancee about the party.  We are going I said!!  We spent the day apartment shopping as planned. I dragged my fiance to the party at Gold’s Gym, for the FREE FOOD I said.  The party was a lot of fun.  We hung out, talked to friends.  We stood at the back watching the raffle prizes go….not even engaged!!!

Then it happened, I had just turned to a C0-worker and asked her and her husband what they were doing after.  Then all of sudden {EVERYONE was staring at me}.

The sea of people turned…the Club’s Manager had called my name:

“Meredith Thomason”…..

There was screaming and cheering, thundering around me.

My whole body started shaking… I slowly walked up there, in fact I think the crowd nudged me up there.

One of the trainer’s pulled me up on stage.  He handed me a $1 bill.

Oh Geesh, this is a joke, this is the pre-Grand prize draw…they are playing a trick on me.  I just stood there shaking, trying to act “normal” and “calm”.

I just looked at the dollar bill and forced a bewildered smile.  I looked out at all the people staring at me.  The room was becoming quiet.

Next thing I know they club manager was beside me, smiling from ear to ear, pumping my hand so hard it hurt….handing me one of those Cardboard Checks…..

This one said $1999,00 !!!!!

The party was over …. I WAS THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER….

Really? Really ? Really?….. yes, it took minutes, hours, days to SINK IN.

The rest of the night was a whirl-wind.  My fiancé and I were swept into the office.  Cashiers check’s were handed to us.  CAN you say shock?  I was speechless I really couldn’t even talk.  My fiancé just kept smiling and celebrating with me.

Later that night I called my running partner…..”You will NOT believe what happened….

Oh MY GOD !!! YOU WON the money ?????

The wedding will Happen !!!

Of course, with luck like that………this one is meant to BE  !!!  The relief and joy overtook. GOD is good.  God knows exactly how much your wedding cost.  Exactly what your needs are. But you need to show up and be in touch with your need. You need to say it out loud. And of course Be open to where it may come in!!

Because WHO KNOWS what is in place for you.  TRUST and BELIEVE

Divorce Recovery 5 years out: Showing up with more love and more forgiveness

Feb. 26, 2017

I had a “Facebook memory” this a.m. and was moved to recognize THIS woman I was 5 years ago!!!
There I was….facing Change, Loss and Transition. In 1 day my life as I knew it changed. Security, Love, Marriage, Trust, Faith, Safe Harbor, Comfort, etc etc was gone.
What did I do?…in that deep valley of pain?…, all I knew was to focus #1 on God and I asked him over and over and over,…in anger, in frustration, in Why Me?, in tears, in fear, on my knees, in weeping, in prayer, in sadness, in disappointment, in loneliness, in weakness…..and the answers kept coming.
The Best thing I did was find myself, find my strength.
I returned to my outer strength of being a Competitive Athlete.
What was life giving to me? I returned to running, biking, swimming. These adventures and workouts made me feel free, strong, and that my whole life was ahead of me and that I could handle “anything” that was coming my way, not that my life was “over”…..It also helped me move thru all the emotions I was experiencing.
So today I celebrate!! Wahoo! Cheers to this Woman I was 5 years ago, on the cliff’s just north of UCSB. Enjoying the beach, the trails, the salt water air, the breathtaking views of the ocean, the sounds of the waves. Soaking it all in. I was also the fittest I’d ever been (2 months out from qualifying for Triathlon World Championships, and 1 month out from PR half marathon 1:35!! beating the PR I set when I was 24!! That felt good to have my body at optimal health and performance.
And to the emotional part, the inner strength that has all continued to be work in progress. After I reclaimed and built up those outer muscles the inner strength has followed. I have continued to spend the last 5 years of realigning myself with God and his plans for my life, working thru relationships that have grown me and challenged me. And of course the health and healing journey!!
Now it is a continued cycle of renewing my faith in my future by being more present then I’ve ever been able to be. Taking time out to meditate, pray and show up FULLY every day, in ALL my relationships with
#forgiveness
#love
The 35 year old version of me was so set on what my life was suppose to be AND I didn’t have the tools to surrender and forgive when that life path, life expectation changed.
The 40+ version of me keeps saying….. build that muscle, build that muscle, build that muscle. AND keep going…..
Showing up with more love, more forgiveness, more love, more forgiveness.
Sending you all much HOPE this morning.
Hugs in the healing journey!!!

Meredith

mkm

{BE} ing Substance

Today I woke up insanely early, 3:03 am to be exact. . .

After checking my phone, yes, yes I know I am not suppose to have my phone under my pillow, or by my night stand or in the bedroom for that matter…but let’s agree to save the “what’s healthy” conversation for later…

So after checking my phone I of course couldn’t go back to sleep. I took a look at my inspiration boards (no, these are not my vision boards, I have those too, but those are in a book. Something about being a private person until something is REAL in my life I don’t want others to see the desires of my heart.) #inspiration
However, is different.
What inspires me, inspires you.
What inspires you, inspires me.
It’s reciprocal.
It’s a life flow.

So my eyes fell on a colored 3×5 card,… and on the top of it is said Character.

At some point I had written:
#sweaty
It took grit to get here and will take grit to keep going
#soulful
Let’s get grounded & go deep
#spiritfilled
Let’s connect above & fill with light
#smart
Let’s read, listen & keep learning
#successful
Let’s celebrate all the wins

All of a sudden I started breathing in and breathing out these.

Hmm, how am I doing on these ?
I reflected.
I closed my eyes and asked myself that again.

Where am I at with these?

Then the word I got was #substance
Aha, to be a woman, or man, of substance…..
-Isn’t it important to define how you show up?
-Isn’t it important to connect with your strengths ?
-Isn’t it important to live out your true core values and what you believe in?

Hmm, yes, yes it is.

Your character grounds you! Your character gives you substance.
So I encourage you today, take inventory of your character, your values and #BE a Woman or Man of substance.

#wordoftheday #substance #character #corevalues #ground #howtoground #define #defineyourself