Inner Guidance

How do you tell your child that you have a brain tumor? and not let your own FEAR scare them to death?

I just had a conversation on the way to school this morning with my 10 year old son, Ryder, about Brain Tumor Awareness Week. Yes! It’s this week!
I asked him what he remembered about that day, the day I told him that his Mom had a brain tumor…(he was 8 yo at the time).
“I was surprised, Mom, I wasn’t scared… I was just surprised”…
Ahh…I breathed a deep sigh of relief and thought …“Well done Mama”….
In those first few days of being diagnosed, I confess that I was as emotionally stable “as a piece of furniture from Ikea”…. however, I didn’t want my kids to experience that with me !!! I myself was uncomfortable and having a hard time processing all these emotions.
I wanted them to experience me as they always had; strong, stable, steady, solid. (Of course also happy, healthy, vibrant, playful & fun but those were temporarily on the back burner.)
As their loving Mama, I had always made a point of telling them that I could be counted on no matter what, that I had their backs, and that I would always love them unconditionally, no matter what. Those values were now in question.
There I was swimming in the whirlwind of emotion. Emotion that I needed to experience to figure out my treatment plan and accept, come to terms with and allow what was happening for me. I was feeling it all:
– fear
– grief
– anger
– sadness
– frustration
– pain
I knew I was feeling all these feelings that were triggered by having to face and “deal with” being diagnosed with a life threatening illness or disease. However, I knew I needed a strategy of how to deal with my own personal journey but also be strong for my kids. I wanted to be that good teacher to them, I wanted to weave the vulnerability of honesty and truth, but also faith and strength into the tapestry of our family experience. These small ones in my life were, and always are, like sponges, they absorb everything. I didn’t want them to take on too much nor too little.
On my own, I diligently faced my own perceived loss of health, loss of control, loss of confidence, loss of life as I knew it. I faced being frozen in my tracks. But with them I showed up with borrowed faith, for their benefit and then in turn my benefit as well.
What I remember about that day is I sat down with my kids to intentionally share with them to the level in which they “needed to know”, at the level that would inform them but not overwhelm them. Face to face.  Looking them both into their eyes. I led with “Mom is going to be okay…..Mom is healthy and strong….but…right now I have to see a lot of Doctor’s and get a lot of treatment…I am going to need a lot of rest. No matter what, I love you and I am going to face this thing head on. You have my promise! Nothing is more important in my life than being there for you! It might take a few weeks…it might take a few years before I am back to 100% but know that I will be here for you!!!”
So with Ryder’s words this morning,
“I was surprised, Mom, I wasn’t scared… I was just surprised”…
I am thankful and full of gratitude that all my intentions were honored. Ryder was, and to this day, informed but not overwhelmed. Aware of what I am going thru, along side me in my journey but not scared.
So in my book, choosing to live in Love over FEAR will always be the right answer. I gotta be here for these Kids!! For me! For my life-purpose…after all I more than know that I am just getting started, just getting my feet wet, on this life of service, life purpose path.
In health, In healing and more importantly in great Love,
Meredith
mkm

The Universe Leaves Clues…how fainting at a party was a health clue for me and what meditation questions you can ask your body

{The Universe Leaves Clues}…YES, fainting can be a CLUE

Mar 28, 2017

3 years ago, I was in LA for the weekend at a big coaching event. I was studying to become a Life Coach and the first of four Live training meetings was having it’s evening kick off party.  I’d flown into LA that morning, took a 10 mile run to the Santa Monica pier and back, (yes, my favorite way to do sight-seeing when I travel).  I’d gotten back to my room with plenty of time to meet my roommate, get dressed up and get ready for the glamorous party night.

Little did I know, that what happened about an hour later, was a clue for my own health journey.  

This party night was a blast! There were 200 women signed up for the year long coaching program and as many as possible had come into LA that night.  This party was a kick off for an amazing year of learning, transformation and personal growth.  I was in my element.  Meeting so many like-minded, high-vibrational women for first time; amazing, strong, beautiful, brilliantly smart women, all up to great things in the world, with big hearts and souls ready to serve coaching clients.

BUT what happened for me was about an 1hr into the party, I went from feeling excited, lit up and full of life to all of a sudden I feeling:

-uneasy
-warm
-disoriented

As soon as I felt this way, I quickly excused myself from the group of women I was talking to.

Was it the heels? Was it the champagne? Was it all the excitement of the event? Was it the 10 miles I ran on the beach that afternoon?… something was wrong. I did not feel right.

I started making my way to the door, fresh air, I need fresh air I thought. Panic was overtaking me and my body started getting fuzzy.  The walk across the banquet room felt like the longest slowest walk of my life. Each step was slow motion. I couldn’t get to the door fast enough.

Next thing I knew I grabbed a women’s arm, “I think I am going to faint” I said.  She looked at me bewildered, there were barely seconds for her to respond before I blacked out.  Next thing I knew I was coming to and people were standing and kneeling over me.  My Coach’s husband was asking if I needed water, if I’d eaten anything?  Eventually all the people who had gathered around me and the hotel staff took me outside for fresh air and to help me feel better.

In the moment, it didn’t matter that I experienced that sinking heart disappointed feeling of the party going on without me.  All that mattered was that I was shaken up by the fainting and the overwhelming weakness that I felt in my body. What is wrong?… this is not normal I thought.

Lucky for me, we were staying at the Ritz Carlton and the kind staff wheel-chaired me to my room and brought me room service of chicken noodle soup, tea and seltzer water. They wanted to make sure I rested, was as comfortable as I could possibly be, and even more important, wanted to make sure that I didn’t need any additional medical attention.

Thankfully, my roommate for the weekend, was a fellow Mom, Health and Life Coach.  She wasn’t alarmed.  She was sweet, nurturing and helped take care of me and made sure I rested the rest of the night.

Now, 3 years later, and 15 months into my healing health journey, I look back, and recognize that this fainting episode…was a clue. My health dis-ease was already happening…my job was to slowly stop ignoring the clues, like fainting on this night and start paying attention.

I share this story today to inspire you for a body check in meditation, I know, I know, we are all pushing for great success, our life purpose, making a difference, … but I encourage you today to take some time out, go out into nature, sit on a bench in the sun, sit in a chair in your living room and meditate.

Meditate on what signs your body might be telling you.
– body, is anything wrong?
– body, is anything deficient?
– body, is there anything you need more of?
– body is there anything your body need less of?
– body, where are the places that I could eat better?
– body, where are the times that I could to eat more?
– body, where are the times that I could eat less?
– body, do you need more sleep? more time to relax? more rest?
– body, do you need that annual check up I’ve been too busy to have?

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Ask 1 more question, what one thing could I do in the next hour? What 3 things could I do the rest of the day or week.

I wanted to share this story today as I was reflecting this morning of how amazing it is in our life journeys that before BIG things happen…it has been my experience that I can often look back and see where the Universe has left me clues.  

I am thankful today and always for the Universe and it’s clues. And of course so thankful if we can slow down long enough to get the messages before bigger and harder things happen.

In encouragement, strength and healing.

Meredith

mkm

 

Need to make a BIG life changing relationship decision? Should you stay or should you go?…this is where I started mine.

 

Sorting through the aftermath of a 10 year marriage is not easy…especially if heartbreak, betrayal, and disappointment is involved.

In my case I had a BIG decision to make:  Should I stay? or….Should I go?  This decision was no joke. I had been married for 10 years to my *ideal mate: Christian, Cyclist, Best Friend.  When this event came to light, we had  2 small children together, age 2 and 3.  I couldn’t just leave.  This decision weighed heavy on me.  In my pain I had to think bigger than the moment, I had to borrow belief and faith that was not mine, I had to be strong and unselfish for my kids, for the big picture of their lives, not just selfish or pulling back in my pain. 

So…what did I do?  I TOOK MY TIME. MY SWEET, PRAYERFUL TIME.  And you should too.

I struggled with this Big Life Change decision for weeks, months actually:

  •  I talked when I needed to talk.
  • I prayed when I needed to pray.
  • I journaled when I needed to journal.
  • I cried when I needed to cry.
  • I unraveled when I needed to unravel.
  • I got angry when I needed to get angry.
  • I yelled when I needed to yell.

You name it… I did it.  For the first time in my life I let ALL my emotions out.

My pastor at the time, the one I met with immediately, within 48 hours of “finding out”. You know that “fun” (sarcastic voice being used here) life altering first week where I cried non-stop and wore sunglasses to preschool pickup because I didn’t want anyone to see how puffy and bloodshot my eyes were.  But I knew the truth, anyone looking at me a mile away KNEW something was wrong. I was far from vibrating at my regular “high on life” , “high energy”, “high vitality” friendly and loving vibration.  I was in shock. I was just a functioning shell. All I could do was cry. Hug my sweet kids and cry again.

My pastor gave me these wise words, these words were a resting place for me to explore my options and honor my feelings and choices:

“Don’t make any decisions for 90 days !!! … you are in shock. You do not need to do anything right away.  You have children with this man, he will be in your life forever.  Don’t leave because you are hurt.  He is a man of God. Ask God what is best for you. Take your time.  Take your time until you know what your answer is.  You have this right.”

In my sadness and broken heartedness I put up that boundary.  TIME, I need my time. This is a LIFE CHANGING decision.  I am in no rush.  My husband was.  He wanted to renew our vows.  I couldn’t. I wasn’t there yet. “What do you mean?” I remember saying after a counseling session, “I don’t know if I can even talk to you without throwing up,…how could I possibly renew my vows?!?!… and then, “Forgive you,?.. I’ve never forgiven anyone in my life”…gulp.  Whew. Truth. Truth is not easy. I knew my weaknesses.

So where did I go from there.  I needed to make a decision that was for my higher good, for my children’s higher good but I had zero connection to myself.

Dear SELF…What do you want?…..

I did not know what I wanted.  I am a Mom with 2 small children, running a business out of my home with no childcare, what do you mean want?

Dear SELF…How do you feel?

Feel?… all these feelings I was feeling were not familiar to me. I didn’t know what to do with the amount of judgment seething and anger and resentment flowing thru me. This was unknown territory for me.  Not to mention the inner child who sure had her days of pity party ….”This is not what I signed up for?!?!: I remember saying.

Dear SELF…Who do you want to be?

I don’t know, I am so confused and disappointed, Me BE? Who is this man in front of me?  He is NOT the man I married. The man I married would have “never” done that to me. ..

These questions continued for months.  After 4 months of this level of soul searching I DID decide to leave.

On March 21, 2010, I loaded my kids up for a 2 week vacation, leaving Oregon for some rays of healing sunshine in California where friends and family were waiting for me with open loving arms.  That 2 week “healing vacation” however, slowly evolved into a long-term {Fresh Start} but that is a sharing for another day.

In the meantime, if you too are facing a real life change decision I can not tell you enough to:

Take your TIME.  BE true to YOURSELF.  Honor and cycle thru all your emotions. Take Care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who will love you but not tell you what to do.  When you know, you will know.

In Big Love,

Meredith

mkm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wives, do you want to figure out your part in your husband’s affair? ‘Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress’ ***Book Review

August 2016

Women teaching women how to BE is one great muscle I gained from pursuing and becoming a Life Coach in 2014.

In my opinion Michael Drury‘s book , “Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress” embodies this in it’s sweetest form.  Let me tell you why.  I had the opportunity this past year to look back on my married life (married for 10 years, now divorced for 6).  My ex getting remarried this summer brought on new questions and contemplation for me.

Who I am?  

What quality of love relationships do I have in my life?  

Have I owned my part in the end/deterioration of my Marriage?

In my search for some new learnings and perspectives I found this book.

Drury’s book is a quick pleasing read.  It is just over 100 pages and divided in 5 sections.  While reading this book I first put myself in that place of the Young Wife I was when I was married… before kids, more than a decade and a half ago.  I intentionally connected and agreed if I were to sum up my divorce learnings in one sentence it would be aligned with Drury,… “Women, our first and last requirement is to BE a woman.”  This is what I didn’t know as a young wife, especially a young wife with 2 small children.  As woman who are natural givers and nurturers it is easy to lose ourselves in our marriages and our children.  Living in the masculine energy of do-do-d0 instead of being soft and living or rather slowing down to embody our feminine energy of be-be-be is where the problem lies.  I unfortunately learned the hard way.  A couple years into being a young wife with kids, My Ex on his own soul’s journey took on a mistress.  This horrible experience challenged me to ask “Why? and Why me?” for years.  When a woman loses herself in marriage, loses herself to her children she loses herself to herself.  What I have learned on my own journey is a Woman can come back to and ground into and live into is Drury’s statement: “Be a Woman, a whole person with brain and hands.”

With years of water under the bridge and the sting of betrayal worn off, if I were to honestly grade myself now on what I, a young wife might have gotten “wrong” in those early child bearing years that drove my sweet marriage to decline and end.  It would be this, “Wives too easily identify husbands and even themselves by their functions, but the mechanics of living are not living”.  Yes, my identity was surrendered in those early years. Not out of intention. Definitely out of conditioning of both my own mother and what I defaulted in what I had assumed the duties of what “a good wife” did.

So dear woman, let’s work on ourselves, work on our relationships. So we pursue real and vibrant Living.  Manage your time, energy and growth in yourself, relationships and work.

I know 6 years later after suffering the trauma and the wound of a marriage partnership ended, I have been able to see many gifts of where thru the pain of perceived loss where my true self and being were actually found. I know with out a doubt that I am a much greater Woman after going thru broken to get to the other side of recharge, rebuild, rebirth.

What was my greatest lesson?  I have bared the fruit of self actualization – that ability to grow with love.  The wisest teaching of this mistress – “know how to be loved”.  That is what divorce has taught me. “If there is a secret to being loved it lies in not having to have it”.   I have to come to this place these last six years in pursing myself and my love relationships I get this Freedom.  Loving with open hands and loving as if you don’t have to have it.  Loving and letting go.

And a final favorite quote from this book, “We belong to ourselves.  We are all required at last to accept full responsibility for our own events and conditions”.  Just think… if all of us could step into this level of adult responsibility, soul level maturity for a moment, how amazing would we be able to let our relationships, our lives, our homes, our communities to be.

In finally summer, I agree, in the past 6 years of divorce my greatest blessing has been the self actualization of my own desires, my own person, my own identity.  The riches of our relationships stem from how we {Become} whole people ….loving……whole people.

In love, lessons learned and true growth

Meredith

mkm

{BE} ing Substance

Today I woke up insanely early, 3:03 am to be exact. . .

After checking my phone, yes, yes I know I am not suppose to have my phone under my pillow, or by my night stand or in the bedroom for that matter…but let’s agree to save the “what’s healthy” conversation for later…

So after checking my phone I of course couldn’t go back to sleep. I took a look at my inspiration boards (no, these are not my vision boards, I have those too, but those are in a book. Something about being a private person until something is REAL in my life I don’t want others to see the desires of my heart.) #inspiration
However, is different.
What inspires me, inspires you.
What inspires you, inspires me.
It’s reciprocal.
It’s a life flow.

So my eyes fell on a colored 3×5 card,… and on the top of it is said Character.

At some point I had written:
#sweaty
It took grit to get here and will take grit to keep going
#soulful
Let’s get grounded & go deep
#spiritfilled
Let’s connect above & fill with light
#smart
Let’s read, listen & keep learning
#successful
Let’s celebrate all the wins

All of a sudden I started breathing in and breathing out these.

Hmm, how am I doing on these ?
I reflected.
I closed my eyes and asked myself that again.

Where am I at with these?

Then the word I got was #substance
Aha, to be a woman, or man, of substance…..
-Isn’t it important to define how you show up?
-Isn’t it important to connect with your strengths ?
-Isn’t it important to live out your true core values and what you believe in?

Hmm, yes, yes it is.

Your character grounds you! Your character gives you substance.
So I encourage you today, take inventory of your character, your values and #BE a Woman or Man of substance.

#wordoftheday #substance #character #corevalues #ground #howtoground #define #defineyourself

How to use {Gratitude Tags} to make a major life change decision

October 2014

Are you in touch with what in life makes you your Happiest?  Most people are not.  The statistic is that only 1 in 100 people know what they want.  For me it took facing a career path life change to go deep and get my top 5 answers. What are yours? I found using a Gratitude Tag helped me connect to what I valued most and wanted. Read more to find out about how you can to.

I give you permission today to pause and give yourself some time to ask yourself this question: When are you your Happiest?  Personally, I find this an important decision making direction question when it comes to charting out the course of my life.  Once you’ve answered this question for yourself, and taken it one step further by writing it down you open yourself up to daily connecting to what makes you Happy. Being in touch daily with what makes you happy and come alive also helps facilitate you prioritizing these things. And please don’t stop at just one thing, make your list, first the top 3, then 5 more, keep going until you have 10!

Why is, “What makes you happy?” such a fundamental key soul connection question to ask yourself.  Soul seeking, spirit answering, go deep kind of question?  Personally, I found out this the hard way.  Not prioritizing all my values was a mistake I made for years.  I unconsciously carried a torch that being a competitive athlete; cycling or triathlon training or just great fitness in my own body made me so HAPPY “the rest” didn’t matter.  The other all important life components; like financial security, loving growing relationships, life purpose career path, time for myself were falling by the wayside.  I got lost in the stuck belief that “who was I to have everything I wanted.  Now that has changed.  I finally learned how to “do” life differently. This path, journey and belief system I followed for so many years wasn’t wrong …it was just limited thinking.

Just because you are happy in one area in your life doesn’t mean YOU CAN’T be happy in ALL areas of your life!!  Truth be told, allowing yourself to be happy in just one area  of your life is “settling”.  You don’t have to settle.  You only have one life and it can get good, really good!  How good are you going to let your life get?  You will have to do some work but you don’t have to settle. When you are not in touch with your true Heart’s Desires it is easy to forget this. If you are reading this then ask yourself,  “is this the time in my life for me to take on a new mindset that having it all is possible?  What does having it all it look like to you?  for you?

A year ago, in the Fall of 2013, I was making the decision to become a Life Coach. I was on a weekend get away with my boyfriend; my children’s Father had splurged for a trip to Disneyland so I had splurged for a weekend in one of my favorite, okay #2 favorite, Healing Spots: Solage Resort in Calistoga, CA. ( YES, Santa Barbara being my #1 healing and spiritual place).

The entire weekend I continued to work thru my mental {pros and cons list} of weither or not to commit to a vigorous, challenging and expensive 1 year program,  what kind of changes and sacrifices would this program mean to my already overstuffed busy life?  Again that negative limiting belief, “Who was I to really go for it in my life?”.  Then the universe gave my soul searching heart a gift.  The gift came in the form of brightly colored “Gratitude Trees”.

On that fall weekend get-a-way I woke up and did an early morning run thru downtown.  Just next to Indian Springs Resort (another wonderful place) I found some Gratitude Trees in downtown Calistoga.  The Trees were loaded with bright orange tags. They caught my eye and I re-routed off my course and ran closer to take a look.  As I got closer I realized that these brightly colored tags were full of  other people’s written heart’s desires. Each tree was labeled a theme;

  • past loves
  • what do you want more of
  • what do you want less of
  • what makes your happiest
  • what’s the best decision you ever made

I memorized the themes and ran back to my hotel to think, pray and journal about where I was and what I wanted to say. On the next morning I ran by the gorgeous brightly colored gratitude trees again.  This time I was ready to stop and write my answers down.

In reflecting back, this one, “I’m Happiest When….” meant the most to me.  I believe the power of this question aligns you with your LIFE PURPOSE and brings clarity to what you say “yes” to and what you say “no” to…everyday. Everyday in every moment, in every hour, in every action big or small, loving or not loving.  Don’t you want to be aligned in every step of your life to what you really want?

In October 2013, these were my TOP 5 heart’s desire’s, my own heart and soul offerings that I now continue to connect to and live by,
I’m happiest When:
…I have Love in my Heart
…My Family & Soulmate by My Side
…Money in the Bank
…A lasting influence of Health & Fitness
…A Healthy Body to Run, Bike & Swim

At the time I wrote this tag I was truly connecting to what makes me happiest and what I desired. However, in truth and reality I only had 1 of these 5 things where I wanted them in my life. So when I got back from that weekend I knew I had to take my own Leap of Faith and invest in a life coaching certification program that would support me doing the personal development necessary to investigate and take action to boost myself out of deficit and into the things I valued as important to my life and happiness. What a move.

Taking time to be connected with what makes you Happiest, might seam like everything from too much work… to a waste of time or just plain frustrating, regardless I encourage you to take the necessary steps to connect with what you really want.  In no time at all these things were alive, real and vibrant in my life.  In all my years of coaching since, I’ve never heard anyone not benefit from connecting to their soul or slowing down to ask the right prayerful questions and hear their spirit speak.

I challenge you today to put yourself in touch with what really matters to you.  Close your eyes, breathe in and out deeply and identify it, or borrow my favorite technique,  figure it out during a workout.

I also encourage you to use the idea of the GRATITUDE TREE to make your own Gratitude Tags, after you have done your work, please feel free to leave your favorites below in the comments.  Pick up some brightly colored tags and sharpie pens from your favorite office store or craft store.  Ask your kids or your significant other or friends to write their’s too.

Write it down and you are half way there to your Happiest.

Your partner in the soul-seeking journey!

Meredith

mkm

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I’m happiest when I have love in my heart, my family and soulmate by my side, money in the bank, a lasting influence of health & fitness, a healthy body to bike, run and swim.