Tag Archives: New Normal

Wives, do you want to figure out your part in your husband’s affair? ‘Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress’ ***Book Review

August 2016

Women teaching women how to BE is one great muscle I gained from pursuing and becoming a Life Coach in 2014.

In my opinion Michael Drury‘s book , “Advice to a Young Wife from an Old Mistress” embodies this in it’s sweetest form.  Let me tell you why.  I had the opportunity this past year to look back on my married life (married for 10 years, now divorced for 6).  My ex getting remarried this summer brought on new questions and contemplation for me.

Who I am?  

What quality of love relationships do I have in my life?  

Have I owned my part in the end/deterioration of my Marriage?

In my search for some new learnings and perspectives I found this book.

Drury’s book is a quick pleasing read.  It is just over 100 pages and divided in 5 sections.  While reading this book I first put myself in that place of the Young Wife I was when I was married… before kids, more than a decade and a half ago.  I intentionally connected and agreed if I were to sum up my divorce learnings in one sentence it would be aligned with Drury,… “Women, our first and last requirement is to BE a woman.”  This is what I didn’t know as a young wife, especially a young wife with 2 small children.  As woman who are natural givers and nurturers it is easy to lose ourselves in our marriages and our children.  Living in the masculine energy of do-do-d0 instead of being soft and living or rather slowing down to embody our feminine energy of be-be-be is where the problem lies.  I unfortunately learned the hard way.  A couple years into being a young wife with kids, My Ex on his own soul’s journey took on a mistress.  This horrible experience challenged me to ask “Why? and Why me?” for years.  When a woman loses herself in marriage, loses herself to her children she loses herself to herself.  What I have learned on my own journey is a Woman can come back to and ground into and live into is Drury’s statement: “Be a Woman, a whole person with brain and hands.”

With years of water under the bridge and the sting of betrayal worn off, if I were to honestly grade myself now on what I, a young wife might have gotten “wrong” in those early child bearing years that drove my sweet marriage to decline and end.  It would be this, “Wives too easily identify husbands and even themselves by their functions, but the mechanics of living are not living”.  Yes, my identity was surrendered in those early years. Not out of intention. Definitely out of conditioning of both my own mother and what I defaulted in what I had assumed the duties of what “a good wife” did.

So dear woman, let’s work on ourselves, work on our relationships. So we pursue real and vibrant Living.  Manage your time, energy and growth in yourself, relationships and work.

I know 6 years later after suffering the trauma and the wound of a marriage partnership ended, I have been able to see many gifts of where thru the pain of perceived loss where my true self and being were actually found. I know with out a doubt that I am a much greater Woman after going thru broken to get to the other side of recharge, rebuild, rebirth.

What was my greatest lesson?  I have bared the fruit of self actualization – that ability to grow with love.  The wisest teaching of this mistress – “know how to be loved”.  That is what divorce has taught me. “If there is a secret to being loved it lies in not having to have it”.   I have to come to this place these last six years in pursing myself and my love relationships I get this Freedom.  Loving with open hands and loving as if you don’t have to have it.  Loving and letting go.

And a final favorite quote from this book, “We belong to ourselves.  We are all required at last to accept full responsibility for our own events and conditions”.  Just think… if all of us could step into this level of adult responsibility, soul level maturity for a moment, how amazing would we be able to let our relationships, our lives, our homes, our communities to be.

In finally summer, I agree, in the past 6 years of divorce my greatest blessing has been the self actualization of my own desires, my own person, my own identity.  The riches of our relationships stem from how we {Become} whole people ….loving……whole people.

In love, lessons learned and true growth

Meredith

mkm

Divorce Recovery 5 years out: Showing up with more love and more forgiveness

Feb. 26, 2017

I had a “Facebook memory” this a.m. and was moved to recognize THIS woman I was 5 years ago!!!
There I was….facing Change, Loss and Transition. In 1 day my life as I knew it changed. Security, Love, Marriage, Trust, Faith, Safe Harbor, Comfort, etc etc was gone.
What did I do?…in that deep valley of pain?…, all I knew was to focus #1 on God and I asked him over and over and over,…in anger, in frustration, in Why Me?, in tears, in fear, on my knees, in weeping, in prayer, in sadness, in disappointment, in loneliness, in weakness…..and the answers kept coming.
The Best thing I did was find myself, find my strength.
I returned to my outer strength of being a Competitive Athlete.
What was life giving to me? I returned to running, biking, swimming. These adventures and workouts made me feel free, strong, and that my whole life was ahead of me and that I could handle “anything” that was coming my way, not that my life was “over”…..It also helped me move thru all the emotions I was experiencing.
So today I celebrate!! Wahoo! Cheers to this Woman I was 5 years ago, on the cliff’s just north of UCSB. Enjoying the beach, the trails, the salt water air, the breathtaking views of the ocean, the sounds of the waves. Soaking it all in. I was also the fittest I’d ever been (2 months out from qualifying for Triathlon World Championships, and 1 month out from PR half marathon 1:35!! beating the PR I set when I was 24!! That felt good to have my body at optimal health and performance.
And to the emotional part, the inner strength that has all continued to be work in progress. After I reclaimed and built up those outer muscles the inner strength has followed. I have continued to spend the last 5 years of realigning myself with God and his plans for my life, working thru relationships that have grown me and challenged me. And of course the health and healing journey!!
Now it is a continued cycle of renewing my faith in my future by being more present then I’ve ever been able to be. Taking time out to meditate, pray and show up FULLY every day, in ALL my relationships with
#forgiveness
#love
The 35 year old version of me was so set on what my life was suppose to be AND I didn’t have the tools to surrender and forgive when that life path, life expectation changed.
The 40+ version of me keeps saying….. build that muscle, build that muscle, build that muscle. AND keep going…..
Showing up with more love, more forgiveness, more love, more forgiveness.
Sending you all much HOPE this morning.
Hugs in the healing journey!!!

Meredith

mkm

Even Health Coaches get Sick…What 5 things I did when I got a brain tumor diagnosis

MiamiBeachrun

It’s January 2016.

I am running a new path today.  A path of healing.  After 2 month’s “off” of coaching and working out I am so grateful and happy to be moving my body again.  And when I say grateful I mean the deep down happy, soul level, happy to be back at life… grateful.

It all started in late October 2015, I woke up with flu symptoms that turned into days and days then weeks and weeks of life stopping migraines.  Worse yet, occipital migraines which means my eyes couldn’t focus long enough for me to drive, let alone work, run or bike.  Even reading or watching a movie was a stretch. I resolved myself to “listen” to movies.   From the minute I woke up to the minute I went to bed I had what felt like a jack hammer echoing in my head.  Overnight, this busy go-go-go Health and Life Coach, triathlete and solo parenting Mom of 2 was couch bound for weeks and life as I knew it was put on “hold”, complete standstill  for 2 months.

WHAT did I do?……Right away I did 5 things when I got my diagnosis.  First things first, I immediately went inward for healing.  I increased my long time morning practice of journaling time and added meditation time.  I came away from the ambulance ride, the ER visit, the pain killer medications and MRI results and turned to my holistic healers (acupuncture, osteopathic physician, essential oils, and energy chakra and sound therapy healers).  I was determined not to be medicated and use nutrition to heal me.  Please know that I didn’t find all the help I needed overnight it was a day by day, even hour by hour process.  If you are facing a life threatening illness you must be patient.

I had a SIMPLE GOAL.  Each day I just set out with a strong desire to live without massive pain radiating from my head to the rest of my body.  I had a strong manta in my heart of, “I will change and do anything and everything to heal.”  To heal, I started with baby steps. I wanted to reduce 24 hrs of migraine pain, to less 2 hours here and less 2 hours there…each day.  “I just want to be migraine free” I kept saying.   I also had family, friends, colleagues, clients and acquaintances pray for me when I got discouraged or overwhelmed with the questions of why me? and why now?  I also took my family and friend’s up on their offers to help with my kids, groceries and meals.  Both were hard.  Sitting still was a task I had no developed muscle all on its own.  And asking for help?!?! that was foraging new territory.

I have a good track record.  You know the one where I tell you I’ve been here before and I’ve squeezed the lemons into lemonade.  This season was different.  It took me. It knocked the wind out of me.  I had to be still.  I had to suffer pain and discomfort on the physical level, not just the emotional.  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t use my head.  I couldn’t use my body.  I couldn’t “brain override” the challenge in front of me.  All the buzz about meditation and why we need to do it…is true!  I had to just empty my thoughts, all of them, as if my head was a 3 story house with overstuffed rooms and all the rooms had to be moved out.  My body was out of balance and demanding attention.  I had to sit still and do the work to empty out each room.  Item by item.  Discard. Purge. Clear.  And look again. 

I was determined to get my brain quieted, migraines to cease, back to working out, back to driving and back to real life.  I wanted to be off pain killers and off anxiety medicine.  I wanted to be “back to normal”.

I understand this is a great undertaking.  This is a journey.  My 2016 healing journey.  This brain tumor diagnosis, is here to teach me more than what I know right now.  For this  I am and will be grateful.

My question for you today is,  “How do you handle yourself when life stops you in your tracks? “ How do you move when you get stuck?

My key learning in all this, or reminder, was a coach who reminded me that I am the “Keeper of my own flame”.   By going inward I found my flame for life. From there I am daily led to find the help I need.  What have you done lately to keep your own flame alive?  The soul flame inside you?  This health challenge season will be rich in lessons for me, if I allow it….will you let what you are struggling with expand, open and teach you?

Sending you Love and Health in your healing journey,

Meredith 

mKm