MOVEMENT

Forgive them even if they are not sorry…addressing my problem with Doctors, Teachers and Writer’s Block head on. We are all just human…after-all.

When I was a teenager I had 2 incidents that happened months apart.  Both were authority figures telling me I couldn’t DO something.

One, I was able to override and keep pressing on to success anyway…it took me a couple of years but I eventually found my way.  The other I am JUST starting to address.  Let me tell you more.

The first incident was a bike accident that I had had.  I was 16 and loved to run and was on the cross country team.  A bike accident left my limping for a week and into the Doctor’s office.  For some reason my mother dropped me off and wasn’t in the room for the x-ray reading.  The Doctor came and abruptly told me I wouldn’t be able to run again. Did I mention that I loved running?!  Running was my life.   As a High School Junior I was already getting recruited for college programs.  Unfortunately, I had no parent next to me to process the news and steer the conversation into questions or right conclusions. Instead, I just took the Doctor’s words at face value as my heart and running dreams sunk.  From that moment on, I turned to cycling and spent the next couple of years pursuing that.  Cycling became the next thing for me and I channeled my need for fitness, being on the move and adventure through that.

– At age 17 a trip to Germany with a Jr. cycling team

– At age 18 a trip across the country (U.S.A.) with a touring group

– At age 19 joining a collegiate cycling team and learning to race in college

Life was good.  It wasn’t until Spring of my Sophomore year in college (now age 21) that a friend asked me if I could run with her.  “Well no,… I can’t run.” I replied.  What do you mean you can’t run?!?!” she said, “how can you do 100 mile bike rides, and not run?”

“Yeah, you are right” I said as my voice trailed off and I started thinking about it.  That voice inside me saying, yeah, maybe I can run now?!?!  It’s been a long time. Why not try it?  I bought a pair of running shoes a week later.  Low and behold, I’ve run 10 marathons since and running came back into my life.  Healed.

So what about the other incident?  … this one was with a Teacher…

The 2nd incident was just a couple months later, still at 16. I was a new student in a new high school.  I was thrilled one afternoon in a creative writing class as graded papers were being passed out.  We had been assigned to write a play.  The excitement I felt when I saw that I was given an A+ was a complete thrill.   But my joy lasted but a moment.  I didn’t even have a chance to celebrate. As my eyes gazed up the teacher was glaring at me.  Stern eyes, tight lips, gruff voice…. “I want to see you outside”.  She barked at me….

I was shocked, okay… I rose from my seat and bewildered followed her out of the class. Next thing I knew, she was turning my paper over.  There she had written an F, I still remember that red pen.  Next thing I knew  I was being asked, rather told.  “There is no way you could have written this play?  Where did you get this mature content?”  This women was glaring at me demanding where I had plagiarized the play.  I was speechless.  She knew nothing about me. I had poured my heart, observations and creativity onto these pages and she was rejecting them as mine. I started rattling off the plays I had been to as a kid.  I also rattled off the plays I had been in.  I started rattling off the family matters that had grown my wisdom far beyond what was appropriate.   She just kept yelling at me determined to get a confession from me.  I had nothing.  Just a scared young girl looking at a teacher.  She threatened me.  She told me one day she would find that published play and come and get me.

Sadly.  My parents were never called in.  This teacher just decided I was a kid who was cheating.  Not only did she mistreat me the rest of the quarter she had my twin sister the following quarter and her judgement of me followed to my sister as well.

Sadly.  I was young.  I didn’t know better.  I didn’t know that my parents should have been invited into that conversation.  Perhaps they could have stood up for me.  Perhaps they could have validated me and told me to keep writing.  I didn’t really get that this was going to be a block for the rest of my life.  Well, until now!…

It’s never too late to overcome who they told you ~you couldn’t BE or told you~ what you couldn’t do.  

In my healing journey I will say this.  To that English Teacher wherever she is, who told me I was “too good” and it was “impossible” I could have written that play…. let’s just see what I can do now.  I will try to resolve this block one story at a time. And I will write in the energy of healing and a heart opened in forgiveness, not in the energy of anger.  I may or may not ever in my lifetime have an apology from this teacher.  She may never know what she did to my writer’s spirit.  In fact I looked her up in the yearbook and she wasn’t even on staff so I don’t even remember her name.  But none of this matters.  What matters is I have the awareness of the block now and I can show up and work my way through it.

I will send her healing and huge forgiveness anyway.  I am also sending so much healing and huge love and forgiveness to the 16 year old I was who was afraid to put myself out there since. Time to do this differently.

Please take a moment.  Is there something inside you:

-left unexplored?

– left undone?

Just because someone; a parent, a teacher, a doctor, anyone of authority…told you you couldn’t do something?  Well, here I am to say, let’s go do it!

Then of course let me know what you do.

Yours in the Healing Journey

Meredith K. Mills

MKM

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Divorce Recovery 5 years out: Showing up with more love and more forgiveness

Feb. 26, 2017

I had a “Facebook memory” this a.m. and was moved to recognize THIS woman I was 5 years ago!!!
There I was….facing Change, Loss and Transition. In 1 day my life as I knew it changed. Security, Love, Marriage, Trust, Faith, Safe Harbor, Comfort, etc etc was gone.
What did I do?…in that deep valley of pain?…, all I knew was to focus #1 on God and I asked him over and over and over,…in anger, in frustration, in Why Me?, in tears, in fear, on my knees, in weeping, in prayer, in sadness, in disappointment, in loneliness, in weakness…..and the answers kept coming.
The Best thing I did was find myself, find my strength.
I returned to my outer strength of being a Competitive Athlete.
What was life giving to me? I returned to running, biking, swimming. These adventures and workouts made me feel free, strong, and that my whole life was ahead of me and that I could handle “anything” that was coming my way, not that my life was “over”…..It also helped me move thru all the emotions I was experiencing.
So today I celebrate!! Wahoo! Cheers to this Woman I was 5 years ago, on the cliff’s just north of UCSB. Enjoying the beach, the trails, the salt water air, the breathtaking views of the ocean, the sounds of the waves. Soaking it all in. I was also the fittest I’d ever been (2 months out from qualifying for Triathlon World Championships, and 1 month out from PR half marathon 1:35!! beating the PR I set when I was 24!! That felt good to have my body at optimal health and performance.
And to the emotional part, the inner strength that has all continued to be work in progress. After I reclaimed and built up those outer muscles the inner strength has followed. I have continued to spend the last 5 years of realigning myself with God and his plans for my life, working thru relationships that have grown me and challenged me. And of course the health and healing journey!!
Now it is a continued cycle of renewing my faith in my future by being more present then I’ve ever been able to be. Taking time out to meditate, pray and show up FULLY every day, in ALL my relationships with
#forgiveness
#love
The 35 year old version of me was so set on what my life was suppose to be AND I didn’t have the tools to surrender and forgive when that life path, life expectation changed.
The 40+ version of me keeps saying….. build that muscle, build that muscle, build that muscle. AND keep going…..
Showing up with more love, more forgiveness, more love, more forgiveness.
Sending you all much HOPE this morning.
Hugs in the healing journey!!!

Meredith

mkm