Sorting through the aftermath of a 10 year marriage is not easy…especially if heartbreak, betrayal, and disappointment is involved.
In my case I had a BIG decision to make: Should I stay? or….Should I go? This decision was no joke. I had been married for 10 years to my *ideal mate: Christian, Cyclist, Best Friend. When this event came to light, we had 2 small children together, age 2 and 3. I couldn’t just leave. This decision weighed heavy on me. In my pain I had to think bigger than the moment, I had to borrow belief and faith that was not mine, I had to be strong and unselfish for my kids, for the big picture of their lives, not just selfish or pulling back in my pain.
So…what did I do? I TOOK MY TIME. MY SWEET, PRAYERFUL TIME. And you should too.
I struggled with this Big Life Change decision for weeks, months actually:
- I talked when I needed to talk.
- I prayed when I needed to pray.
- I journaled when I needed to journal.
- I cried when I needed to cry.
- I unraveled when I needed to unravel.
- I got angry when I needed to get angry.
- I yelled when I needed to yell.
You name it… I did it. For the first time in my life I let ALL my emotions out.
My pastor at the time, the one I met with immediately, within 48 hours of “finding out”. You know that “fun” (sarcastic voice being used here) life altering first week where I cried non-stop and wore sunglasses to preschool pickup because I didn’t want anyone to see how puffy and bloodshot my eyes were. But I knew the truth, anyone looking at me a mile away KNEW something was wrong. I was far from vibrating at my regular “high on life” , “high energy”, “high vitality” friendly and loving vibration. I was in shock. I was just a functioning shell. All I could do was cry. Hug my sweet kids and cry again.
My pastor gave me these wise words, these words were a resting place for me to explore my options and honor my feelings and choices:
“Don’t make any decisions for 90 days !!! … you are in shock. You do not need to do anything right away. You have children with this man, he will be in your life forever. Don’t leave because you are hurt. He is a man of God. Ask God what is best for you. Take your time. Take your time until you know what your answer is. You have this right.”
In my sadness and broken heartedness I put up that boundary. TIME, I need my time. This is a LIFE CHANGING decision. I am in no rush. My husband was. He wanted to renew our vows. I couldn’t. I wasn’t there yet. “What do you mean?” I remember saying after a counseling session, “I don’t know if I can even talk to you without throwing up,…how could I possibly renew my vows?!?!… and then, “Forgive you,?.. I’ve never forgiven anyone in my life”…gulp. Whew. Truth. Truth is not easy. I knew my weaknesses.
So where did I go from there. I needed to make a decision that was for my higher good, for my children’s higher good but I had zero connection to myself.
Dear SELF…What do you want?…..
I did not know what I wanted. I am a Mom with 2 small children, running a business out of my home with no childcare, what do you mean want?
Dear SELF…How do you feel?
Feel?… all these feelings I was feeling were not familiar to me. I didn’t know what to do with the amount of judgment seething and anger and resentment flowing thru me. This was unknown territory for me. Not to mention the inner child who sure had her days of pity party ….”This is not what I signed up for?!?!: I remember saying.
Dear SELF…Who do you want to be?
I don’t know, I am so confused and disappointed, Me BE? Who is this man in front of me? He is NOT the man I married. The man I married would have “never” done that to me. ..
These questions continued for months. After 4 months of this level of soul searching I DID decide to leave.
On March 21, 2010, I loaded my kids up for a 2 week vacation, leaving Oregon for some rays of healing sunshine in California where friends and family were waiting for me with open loving arms. That 2 week “healing vacation” however, slowly evolved into a long-term {Fresh Start} but that is a sharing for another day.
In the meantime, if you too are facing a real life change decision I can not tell you enough to:
Take your TIME. BE true to YOURSELF. Honor and cycle thru all your emotions. Take Care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who will love you but not tell you what to do. When you know, you will know.
In Big Love,
Meredith
mkm
FIT for the business of LIFE 